27 Breakup Letters To Your Migraines
"I still can't forgive you for making me puke Panera mac and cheese."
2. "I know my head is just the greatest place to hang out but you know, you really don't have to be there ALL THE GODDAMN TIME."
Can you please give me more then three consecutive days without you? I know my head is just the greatest place to hang out but you know, you really don't have to be there ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. Go take a nice walk on the beach or through the park or, you know, by a landfill filled with bright lights and incredibly loud sounds. That works too. Just give me the ability to actually go to work so my boss doesn't fire me for calling in sick so much. The ability to make plans in advance and then actually follow through with them. I'm not asking for much really. Just some goddamn peace.
Sincerely yours (since you won't leave me alone),
3. "I will never forgive you for interrupting my listening to the Hamilton soundtrack multiple times."
Shame on you for ruining my life a few times a month. Why are you so evil that you have to hit me when i'm about to do something fun and exciting that I was looking forward to for a while? I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, in the pitch black dark, cursing you and your powers. When you first entered my life, I was so scared and felt so alone while everyone around me was fine and carried on throughout their days, leaving me and my thoughts alone in the dark.
Migraine, you should know that you should have never entered my head, let alone take over my vision and, sometimes, entire body.
Good thing I have my partner in crime, Triptan, AKA my only power against you.
One more thing: I will never forgive you for interrupting my listening to the Hamilton soundtrack multiple times."
5. "That's a nice trick you do when I already have period cramps and you feel like corkscrewing into my brain."
Thanks for sending me home from countless grade school sleepovers, and making me CONVINCED the first time I had an aura that, Yup, this is it — I'm about to be abducted by aliens or I'm going crazy. Also, that's a nice trick you do when I already have period cramps and you feel like corkscrewing into my brain.
6. "I just want to know why you insist on ruining my life."
Why? I don't want to scream at you, or beat the shit about of you, or do anything. I just want to know why you insist on ruining my life. Why do you make me have anxiety about going out because you might show up? Why do you give me so much pain, and make no one believe me when I say you're real? What did I do to deserve this?"
8. "Much like my ruptured appendix that serves no purpose and nearly killed me, you are the bane of humanity."
"Dear useless spawn of Satan (aka Migraine),
Thank you for making me miss days of work going to neurologists and getting CT scans thinking I have a brain tumor just to find out you're a hereditary ailment that will plague me forever, and possibly my children and future generations, too. Much like my ruptured appendix that serves no purpose and nearly killed me, you are the bane of humanity.
9. "I know you exist, please stop trying to visit me everyday."
I know you exist, please stop trying to visit me everyday. You bother me so often that people rarely believe me when I say you've come to visit. You make me go from tired and depressed to anxious and restless."
11. "Please note that any future violations will constitute a no-show, and you will be terminated immediately."
"Attn: Migraine Headaches,
It has come to my attention that you regularly fail to give at least four hours prior notice when you earn another attendance violation. Please note that any future violations will constitute a no-show, and you will be terminated immediately.
The beleaguered management"
12. "You are a constant pain in my back...and neck...and yes, my head."
I said "my head hurts" so many times as a kid that my siblings thought I was faking it. I got my only C ever junior year of high school because of you. I wanted to die because of you. That same year, you landed me in a hospital for a week. I tried eight different medicines that had side effects that ranged from numbness to weight gain. The nausea that accompanied you last semester during finals week had me wanting to go lay on the bathroom floor instead of studying. You held me back so many times in my life. You are a constant pain in my back...and neck...and yes, my head.
I really, really don't like you."
14. "Also, if you could stop making it look and feel like it's raining inside that would be great."
Stop making it feel like my head is being squeezed in a vise and my brains are spilling out my ears. Also, if you could stop making it look and feel like it's raining inside, that would be great."
15. "You have taught me compassion for those that suffer from their own daily battles, so many of which are invisible, but that in no way makes them any less real or debilitating."
I don't know why you chose me, but you did. Some people just get all the luck. There are so many reasons to hate you and curse every aspect of what you are, and believe me, I do. You possess absolutely zero good qualities, and I find myself angrily exclaiming, "Goddamnit, Sheila!" far too often.
From the actual symptoms to the complete lack of understanding of anyone who doesn't know you personally, there's no part of our abusive relationship I would want anyone anyone else to have to go through. Nothing about YOU is good, but what I have learned because I know that you and I and are intertwined forever, no matter what, is: You have taught me compassion for those that suffer from their own daily battles, so many of which are invisible, but that in no way makes them any less real or debilitating. You taught me to savor the good moments, because you could take them away at any moment on a whim.
I'm very in tune with my own body since you required me to memorize the long list of things that you treat as an invitation to visit. I have so much more patience and don't concern myself with other people's opinions of me and my life due to the fact that there have been countless individuals who questioned my honesty, work ethic, commitment, abilities, and strength during all those times that my body and mind didn't belong to me, but to you. All they saw was me when, in reality, I was under your complete control. So, I know you're not ever going away, and while I have lived in fear of your presence since I was a child, while you certainly have a profound affect on many things, you cannot — and will not — take my life away from me.
Fuck off, Sheila — I'm stronger than you know."
17. "You misunderstand what I meant by 'I love my bed and I daydream of being in it.'"
You misunderstand what I meant by "I love my bed and I daydream of being in it."
Also your lead up sucks.
And your surprise visits with no warning.
Also thanks for making me question everything I do with my body: reading, studying, eating, drinking, facial movements...maybe squinting is why I get migraines. Note to self: never squint again.
And not squinting hurts too.
This isn't working out for me, I don't want to see you anymore.
19. "You're like that nasty family member that everyone tells to fuck off, but they still come over anyway, and then they won't leave."
It's a shame we have this awkward relationship, you and I. I mean, you show up uninvited, generally the day after anything stressful. You wait until my first day off, or first day of a holiday, or first anything where I finally get to relax. You're like that nasty family member that everyone tells to fuck off, but they still come over anyway, and then they won't leave. At least that family member doesn't make me feel like my right eyeball is about to pop out and hang down on my cheek, while simultaneously making me feel as if I'm about to have a stroke.
And as much as I jest, my workplace sure isn't laughing about all the time I've taken off over the years. I've missed out on so many special events (and normal events) that are, well, my life. It's MY life, so seriously, please just cut the shit and fuck off. No one needs you. No one.
Always yours (although I wish otherwise),
21. "Isn't it enough that any natural light changes mess me up for days? Or temperature changes? Or mozzarella cheese? Or my freaking period?"
I used to love red wine. It was such a nice treat in the evening after work, or on a Sunday afternoon with friends...but no. You had to take that from me, too! You ruined my trip to Spain and Italy! Like, I had to be the woman who couldn't enjoy red wine in Spain! Why would you do that? Isn't it enough that any natural light changes mess me up for days? Or temperature changes? Or mozzarella cheese? Or my freaking period? Why do you hate me so much?
You already gave me vertigo! Like, I can't even tell where the floor is. People think I'm perpetually drunk! I teach children for goodness sake; I've had to explain to parents that I'm not intoxicated, just have really bad migraines. I had to get an MRI because of you! Do you know how expensive they are? Dude! Why are you so awful? I have nothing left to give you. Please, leave me alone.
A person who used to be functional"
22. "You are a horrible influence."
Don't you have any other friends? Go hang out with them all the time, not me. I have enough problems without you hanging over my head every single day. You are a horrible influence."
24. "It was really fun explaining to my friends that I could barely function because of TV static in my vision."
Thanks for making me sound insane when I tried to describe the tear in reality that you made me hallucinate. It was really fun explaining to my friends that I could barely function because of nausea, puking, and a crippling headache effectively caused by a triangle of TV static in my vision."
26. "Thanks for not being recurrent enough to qualify for Botox, but often enough that people constantly tell me 'but you ALWAYS have a headache.'"
"You're a real peach."
Responses have been edited for length and clarity.