1. This snappy comeback to someone who has questions about the size of your breasts:
One day these guys came up to me and said, "Have you been the same size your whole life?," talking about my cup size. "No, but I bet you have," I said, putting my thumb and index finger close together.
2. When you just have to break it all the way down:
My mother used to say hurtful things to me about my weight all the time when I was a teenager. She always told me she said those things first before a mean girl could say them.
After my first year of college I had gained some confidence and realized that it wasn't right for her to say those things to me. So the next time she made a comment I said, "Mom you're being the mean girl you're so worried about hurting me. The things you say hurt my body image and my self confidence. Please stop." I know she loves me and that a lot of this come from her own insecurities, but she is very careful now about what she says to me.
3. This efficient shutdown of a mother-in-law's judgment:
My fiancé's mother told me that she was concerned that because of my weight, her son would have to become my carer in a few years because I'd be too fat to function. I told her calmly that I was perfectly healthy, low blood pressure, low cholesterol levels, exercised regularly. She said, "But doesn't it bother you how you look aesthetically?" I actually happen to like the way I look and my fiancé has made me feel more beautiful than I've ever felt before, so I looked her in the eye and said, "I like my body, and your son seems to enjoy it a lot, too." Shut down.
4. This explanation of how little other people's opinions of your body matter:
Several years ago, I mentioned to a now former friend (who was in his fifties, BTW) that I had gained some weight and was trying to drop a few pounds because I wasn't very comfortable. For whatever reason, his response was "Men don't like women that are too thin." My response: "I do not give a shit about what men think about my body. I don't care about what women think about my body. My body is not for other people, and the only person whose opinion matters about how I look is mine." He, rather wisely, decided to change the subject.
5. When you let a boy's parent know that their son needs a talking-to:
One time in my freshman year of high school there was a boy who was making fun of my legs and I saw his mom at a football game after school and told her that her son is being disrespectful to myself and other girls and body-shaming them. She was horrified and promised me that she would make sure nothing like that ever happened again from her son!!
6. When you give them a taste of their own medicine:
When I was 14, just starting to get comfortable with my curvy, wide body, I was walking down the street with a crop top and jean shorts. I got catcalled by this guy who shouted, "Hey, your mommy let you go out looking like that? It ain't exactly a pleasing look on you, but I know what you want, and I could help ya out." Well, I was pissed, and immediately responded with, "Your ma let you go out looking like that? Ugh, well that ain't exactly pleasing itself."
7. When someone comes for you on Facebook but you've heard it all before:
8. When you let them know the actual cost of sharing their opinion on your hair:
I get a lot of flack at work because I always keep my hair up and I hate straightening it out. Last week, I had to go to a formal birthday, so the next day, I went to work with straight hair, and everyone said, "That's how you should come to work every day!"
My answer was: "Then pay me 30,000 pesos (around $10) every three days for it, because I don't want to spend my money on something to make you feel better about me. It's not worth it, and I like my hair natural."
9. When they make assumptions about your sexuality, so you have to zing them:
I have a really short pixie cut and wear quite androgynous/masculine clothing, however I also have a figure and largish breasts. The point is that so many guys have told me that if I had longer hair and wore clothes that were girlish/more flattering to my figure, that I would be attractive/they would want to date me, etc. My response is always, "Well, I guess we now know why I have a girlfriend and you don't."
10. When it's just time to tell people about themselves:
I had really bad acne growing up starting in the third grade, so I said a lot: "I can fix my zits or lose some weight, but you're always going to be an annoying asshole who pokes fun at other people to hide your own problems."
11. This sick burn:
I am *proudly* flat -hested, but the boob fat I lack is all in my butt. As I walked downtown, a man proceeded to tell me, "If only half that fat in your ass was on your chest, you'd look like a model, baby." I turned around in 0.2 seconds with, "If only half your thoughts were in your head and not your penis then maybe you'd get a girlfriend."
12. When they think they're insulting you but they're really just giving you the perfect setup:
Waiting for a friend outside a movie theatre, two teen boys passed and said, "Wow! An 8.2 on the Richter scale!" I said, "Wow! A 9.9 on the asshole scale!"
13. When their comment on your vagina backfires beautifully:
A girl in my high school once looked at me and said, "Your jeans are too tight, you've almost got a camel toe." I advised her loudly to please keep staring at my vagina so she could update me as the situation progressed.
14. This retort to someone who has opinions on your food choices:
As any red-blooded American woman might do, I entered the sandwich line purely because the special was a buffalo chicken wrap.
Me: "Hello, I'd like the buffalo chicken wrap with shredded cheddar cheese, please."
Woman next to me in line: *Looking at my not-washboard stomach* "Ugh, if you're eating that you've GOT to be pregnant!"
Me: *Not pregnant* "No, I just like cheese, but you must lead a joyless life if you think adding cheese to a wrap is a wild pregnancy craving."
15. When showing your indifference is effortless:
School senior: Your afro is too big. Do something about it.
Me: ...I can't hear you over the volume of my hair.
16. When a picture of yourself flipping the bird is worth a thousand words:
Back in 7th grade this guy used to tease me for being chubby. Fast forward to 10th grade when I moved back to the States and he started talking to me out of nowhere. We flirted back and forth for awhile and he started asking for pictures (of course). So I replied with a picture of me flipping the bird captioned, "This is for all those times you called me fat in middle school."
17. And when no words are needed:
After a night out in college I was with my friend at the local McDonalds. I don't know why but I was holding my double cheeseburger in my hand while filling up my drink cup when suddenly this drunk frat boy came up to us and said, "Are you sure you should be eating that?" And I looked over at my friend (we're both curvy) and she looked like she was about to cry. So I turned around, looked the guy in the eye, and shoved the entire double cheese burger into my mouth. He looked so confused and he ended up walking away with his mouth hanging open while my friend laughed at him.
18. And when the best response is all about showing, not telling:
I was walking past a bunch of high school guys playing soccer. The ball rolled off the field towards me so I stopped it with my foot and was about to kick it back to them when one of them yelled "skinny legs!" So I kicked the ball away instead.
19. When someone dares step to you without realizing your wordplay prowess:
I constantly get told that if I didn't wear glasses I would look so much better. I always just hit them back the with, "You'd look so much better if I didn't wear glasses, too'"
20. When you have a really good point to make, tbh:
"If anyone wants to say I'm fat, I'd just tell them that there's just too much of me for their small minds to handle and their cold hearts to love."
21. And when the very thing they're shaming you for is, in and of itself, your clapback:
Me: *has short hair*
Random guy: "Why don't you grow your hair out?"
Me: "Because I like it short."
Guy: "Well, the average man prefers long hair..."
Me: "I know, omg, that's my favorite thing about this haircut!! It weeds out average men!!"
Responses have been edited for length and clarity.