back to top

I Watched That Softcore Short Film Ram Gopal Varma Directed And, Ya, I'm Done With Porn Now

While we were all losing it over Padmaavat, RGV slyly released a feminist documentary where a naked porn star reads out anal fantasies.

Posted on

Ram Gopal Varma is a strange creature. In the '90s, he made a bunch of classics so good, SO iconic, it was going to take a nosedive of unprecedented proportions to jeopardise his legacy as one of India's greatest filmmakers.

RGV Films

Cut to 15 years later, when, through a series of projects that can neatly be summarised by the phrase "WTF why?", RGV somehow ended up doing exactly that.

RGV Films

So, last month, when he announced that he had made a short film with a celebrity porn star (titled God, Sex and Truth: A Philosophical Treatise Of Mia Malkova), it just seemed like the next logical step in his supremely weird journey.

My film God,Sex and Truth is releasing on jan 26th at 9 Am along with Padmaavat on https://t.co/D9DCM2YPUh ...Betw… https://t.co/3VNoFhS6m5

Normally, just the title would've been enough for me to ignore it completely. But then, in the lead-up to its release, Ramu posted this 30-second Instagram, which had him "beating the shit out of imaginary protesters" of his controversial project.

Instagram: @rgvzoomin

The film did actually ruffle a few feathers in Andhra Pradesh, as Varma was accused of vulgarity and obscenity. That this is how he chose to deal with the protests is the real story here, though.

He then declared his film a "blockbuster hit", not even 12 hours after it dropped. Honestly, there was just too much hilarious nonsense going on around GST for me not to watch it now.

I mean, mainstream news was so busy covering Deepika's censored midriff, someone HAD to talk about RGV sitting with a naked adult-film star talking about sex.
Twitter: @rgvzoomin

I mean, mainstream news was so busy covering Deepika's censored midriff, someone HAD to talk about RGV sitting with a naked adult-film star talking about sex.

(At this point, you should know that the film is basically 20 minutes of a completely nude Mia Malkova talking about normalising sex, while showcasing her body in explicit slow-mo detail. I don't have any Photoshop skills, but I've done my best to censor it to an acceptable degree.)

Right, so TL;DW: God, Sex and Truth has Malkova waxing eloquent about the importance of sex for us as a species, and how religion and patriarchy have reduced it to a shameful act.

RGV Films

It also has her reiterating multiple times that women should be allowed to do with their bodies as they please, and that men just need to deal.

RGV Films

In the middle of her mostly inoffensive rant, quotes about sex and sexuality appear on screen, citing smarties like Sigmund Freud, Ayn Rand, and multiple feminist writers (alongside some rather inappropriate picks like Woody Allen and Hugh Hefner).

RGV Films

While super pretentious and criminally boring, it didn't raise any red flags for me halfway in. And then Mia Malkova ruined all my boners for the foreseeable future by saying these lines:

RGV Films

See, the thing is, this wasn't the first time I had come across that exact quote. I had actually read it in a column RGV wrote for Bollywood Hungama last year.

It was then that an awful realisation dawned on me: Even though it was Mia Malkova saying it, large chunks of the extremely graphic monologue were evidently written by Varma himself.

RGV Films

And by the time Malkova started talking about the things that turn her on in bed, my easily influenced brain could only picture Ramu saying the words that were being spoken on screen.

RGV Films

And, trust me, the image of RGV describing his love for analingus is NOT something you want in your head if you care at all about getting turned on again.

Actually, you know what? Don't listen to me. If RGV does something for you, who am I to judge? It's just that it's not for me. #NoKinkShaming2k18
RGV Films

Actually, you know what? Don't listen to me. If RGV does something for you, who am I to judge? It's just that it's not for me. #NoKinkShaming2k18

Ruined boners aside, it's hard to make sense of this endeavour. It's tedious as balls – more so considering its erotic premise – but its core message does deserve some applause, I guess.

In fact, compared to this past weekend's other big release, Padmaavat, this movie is actually a paragon of feminism and progressiveness.
RGV Films

In fact, compared to this past weekend's other big release, Padmaavat, this movie is actually a paragon of feminism and progressiveness.

Also, this isn't a topic RGV has just jumped into without precedent. Even in his 2017 short Meri Beti Sunny Leone Banna Chaahti Hai, he had argued that sex isn't something that a woman should be shamed for.

In fact, the film asserted that it's something she should be encouraged to use to her advantage, if she's so inclined.
RGV Films

In fact, the film asserted that it's something she should be encouraged to use to her advantage, if she's so inclined.

Here's the thing. Coming from *anyone* else, I would support this stance 100%. But when it's a filmmaker who's been accused of objectifying women telling the same women that they should embrace the objectification as a positive... Nah, fam. That's a no-go.

Now, RGV is actually a surprisingly self-aware guy. He's also a guy who will keep saying and doing increasingly more WTF things in the future, because that's just how he rolls.

Can't wait, tbh.
Film Companion

Can't wait, tbh.

I just hope and pray he doesn't ruin anything else I love after this.

NBC