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    23 Jan 2017

    53 Hilarious Indian Women You NEED To Follow On Twitter

    If you’ve ever said that girls aren’t funny, you’re just following the wrong people.

    1. @Just_Screams

    Used so much Fair&Lovely on my face that now I can't even walk down the street without winning sports tournaments or getting job offers.

    If ever there's a dinosaur on the loose destroying the Taj Mahal people will still stare at the girl smoking on the sidewalk.

    2. @anymysha

    Guy: Your boobs are amazing. Me: Thanks, I grew them myself.

    What's your multiple orgasm style?

    3. @PunsTurnMeOn

    Office jaake kamao, Salary dekhke LMAO.

    4. @NautankiNinja

    He :Talk dirty to me. Me : Baarish se kichad kichad ho jata hai sab.

    *During Viva* Sir: Name the alkaline earth metals. Me: Magnesium, Calcium. Sir: Aur bolo. Me: Main theek hu. Aap batao.

    5. @White_Crimes

    If I got laid everytime you made sense, I'd still be a virgin.

    6. @4ngery

    Me:*cleans house*replaces bedsheets*rolls round rotis*paints grandma's toenails* Ma: Hum tumhare jitne the tab hum roller coaster banate the

    I see accomplished people who were born the same year as I was& I console myself saying that they're 2.5 months older than me so I have time

    7. @Nomnombiar

    Totes going to Rahman's manicurist.

    So if Maggi is banned we will have a two-minute silence in its memory, jo actually 4-5 minute chalega.

    8. @iamhorcrux

    Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family

    Fifty Shades of Grey is romantic only because the guy is a billionaire. If he was from Delhi, it would be a Crime Patrol episode.

    9. @tweetria

    90% of ghosts in films are women Feminism is totally winning in a paranormal realm

    Don't have a single Oberoi or Singhania friend. Thats how poor I am

    10. @lovehandle_

    If you take the words 'Daaru', 'Gaadi' and 'Kudi' out of Punjabi songs, all you would have to listen to is 'oho x10'.

    My biggest worry when I'm flirting with a boy is that he's going to die & our text messages are going to be on the news.

    11. @SonaliThakker

    I think Sanjay Dutt is India's first freelance prisoner

    Madhuri's 'Ek Do Teen' must've been the world's longest mic check.

    12. @awryaditi

    I always thought "Vicco Turmeric, nahi cosmetic" was our national anthem which is why it played before every movie.

    Find someone who looks at you the way Arnab looks at Modi.

    13. @Fernandes_Savvy

    Star Plus : Tumhari Paakhi Me : Tumhari Maa ki

    Pic 1 : Humour of guys whom I like. Pic 2 : Humour of guys who like me.

    14. @Stellla_Artois

    Regret not taking up an HR job seven years ago. Hum bhi aaj floor decorating competition type chutiyape kara ke free ki salary le rahe hote.

    Lady saw my tattoo and asked me "dard nahi hua tha?", so I looked at her kid and asked the same thing.

    15. @DilliBelle

    India's national food should be Kasam.

    Friend just dropped me to metro station in his white Swift Dzire and I ended up saying "bhaiya trip end kar dena".

    16. @mediocregandhi

    Ke main hu hero tera ~ Akshay Kumar to about 15 directors in a year

    My ass could break the Internet too. I just have to sit on the router. #BreakTheInternet

    17. @Priya_Menon

    Doctor : where does it hurt? Me : *shows him tweets with 0 favs and 0 RTs* here

    Wonder when maid looks at me when I'm working out and thinks, bhen ki lodi, khud jhaadoo poncha karegi toh yeh sab karne ki zaroorat nahin

    18. @Kalamwali_Bai

    My relationship goals are inspired by Kader Khan in Akhiyon Se Goli Maare, where he introduces his wife as "Yeh apun ka punter hai".

    Bahut dukh hota hai jab tumhara Ex Timex se Rolex ban jaata hai.

    19. @LEDtvn

    Uncle : Beta abhi kya age ho gai hai tumhari Me : 29 ki ho gai hun. Uncle : Tumhari age me toh mai 35 ka ho gaya tha.

    Always appreciate Indian female ghosts. They spend entire day washing their saree to get that perfect whiteness and wear it in the night.

    20. @anuyeaah

    If you sing the National Anthem three times in front of a mirror, Modiji appears and gives you a 100 rupee note.

    Behind every successful woman are her parents... wondering why she hasn't found someone yet and when she plans on getting married.

    21. @mrsfunnybones

    These days by 40 u could be on the way to your 2nd marriage so what's the point of fasting-don't need the men to last that long anymore:)

    Me:So I guess India Pakistan are not Bhai Bhai anymore! Friend :What diff to us,we behans don't seem to have been on the list anyway. #ouch

    22. @ShrutiSeTakkar

    X = hug XX = two hugs XXX = porn #thatescalatedquickly

    Arnab Goswami is what happens when a CapsLock key comes to life.

    23. @dashhtweets

    Q. How do the Emirati babies cry? A. "uae uae..."

    Class is temporary. Tuition is permanent.

    24. @MePurplelicious

    Kitni bhi tareef karlo, ladki ko number nahi dena hoga toh nahi degi :'D

    *Tries to fall asleep without taking any blanket* *expects somebody would put blanket on me* *dies of cold* FUCK YOU ROMANTIC MOVIES!

    25. @lady_gabbar

    When currency notes use Fair & Lovely....

    Bhaiya, puchke mein thoda aur teekha daalo

    26. @mumbaiifreak

    Insan bhi namak hai. Log utna hi istemal karte hai jitni zaroorat ho.

    27. @SuchAMisfit

    *Short horror story* Your mobile's battery dies in a family gathering.

    [ordering food] Me: I'll take *unable to pronounce* *fake coughs* Waiter: you mean adjknjdjdk Me: yes

    28. @runjhunmehrotra

    Whenever my parents ask about marriage I become a govt officer and sit over the proposal for days for no reason

    "Kitni baar bola tujhe answer nahi pata toh beech me mat bola kar"😐😐😐

    29. @KarenDcosta

    Which idiot called it the 'Smoking Room' and not 'Chamber of Cigarettes' ?!!

    Aliens: We're going to highjack your planet. Indians: Humare paas Telebrands ka Nazar Raksha Kawach hai.

    30. @SocialBitterfly

    *one day before marriage* Parents: Don't talk to the groom. Don't see him. Don't think. *one day after marriage* Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

    *Let's do something cheesy* Honey Singh : Heart Wifey : Cheese vadapav

    31. @ammoloaded

    Do you see that red line under the words you type like "nd" "awsm" "lyf" "typ" "luvv"? Yeah? That's not for decoration, you moron.

    Jab dono "didn't told" se hain raazi, Toh kya karlega Grammar Nazi?

    32. @priyal

    When he finally finds your g-spot

    If we don't get off the flight within the first 50 seconds of it landing, the flight will take off again with us in it - Indians

    33. @DramebaazPorgi

    500 and 1000 are temporary, Gandhiji is permanent.

    34. @supaarwoman

    *visits Spain* Local: Welcome to Spain! Como estas? Me: Bailamos, let the rhythm take you over bailamos

    An Indian wedding reception must be the happiest day of vanilla ice cream's life.

    35. @Oinkoo

    Hello? Mummy? Haan kaun? Kitne log tumhe mummy bulate hain mummy? :|

    TV pe show ek dhang ka nahi hai par remote pe button itne hai ki banda aeroplane chala le.

    36. @BurgerrB

    Me: Age is just a number. Bones: LOL Sleep: LOL Skin: LOL Womb: ROFL

    The biggest lie was not the "2 minutes Maggi". It was Feroz Khan saying, "soorat tumhaari" to Zeenat Aman's "kya dekhte ho?"

    37. @lahirip

    "Toh Kya Ukhad loge?" is something you never say to a Dentist

    When Arnab Goswami was in school, his teachers used to raise hand to speak

    38. @PolyesterPalla

    Somebody please write a book on Indian culture ASAP because I don't know what to wear and where not to go alone anymore.

    Red velvet cake is the Katrina of cakes. Photogenic, that's all.

    39. @ClassicallyWild

    Before marriage, it's dating. After marriage, it's accomodating.

    When your credit card bill reaches your mom

    40. @poonamkhatri

    Girls are given teddy bears to psychologically train them to like their short, fat and hairy husbands in future.

    On a serious note, Gandhiji is not smiling.

    41. @thatobesewoman

    Who called it sonography and not Beta Testing Version?

    There is vegetarian and then there is "I won't kiss you on the mouth because you had butter chicken last week" vegetarian.

    42. @MissTumbledore

    Indian mothers have the cure for gluten allergy and lactose intolerance. It's called "ek thappad padega toh sab khaya jaaega!"

    The seasons aren't romantic. You're just horny.

    43. @VinithaShetty

    Yaha logo ka roka ho raha hai, aur mere sath ab bhi dhoka ho raha hai.

    "Hi I'm a fashion blogger, and will continue to write song lyrics under every picture I post with no style advice whatsoever"

    44. @secondofhername

    UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

    45. @zedchrmsm

    So when Aladdin rubs something and gets rich it's a fairy tale but when other girls do it it's prostitution?

    46. @EvilToothFairy

    Pro tip: Koi bhi cheez ko pure dil se mat chaho. Kaaynat chutiya hai.

    47. @TheVacuumHead

    It is quite okay to be a dick if everyone around you sucks.

    Sex is basically just two people helping each other masturbate better.

    48. @Creepowoman

    Just did the hand-out-of-taxi-to-feel-the-rain thing from Wake Up Sid and cabbie yelled at me saying "PEHLE BOLNE KA NA RIGHT LENA HAI"

    an indian thriller called "now as you can see" starring a dude called ravi pointing at the screen giving a powerpoint presentation for 3 hrs

    49. @pigeonladyx

    "i broke my wrist" facebook: oh my god are you okay should i send food twitter: how will you masturbate now

    south indian boyfriend: don't worry sab teek ho jayega i love you me: teak is a type of wood

    50. @RootKanal

    when only the girl's side has paid for the photographer

    frankfinn airhostess institute, class of 2015 #IndvsPak

    51. @wolfmiaow

    The opposite of coffee is fuckoff.

    "Neeche ishq hai Oopar rub hai" Someone's got it all wrong.

    52. @Localheroin

    Within Bombay, every relationship is a long distance relationship.

    Doctor: What are you using for contraception? Me : Hope.

    53. @smhsohard

    Office comp be like "Windows is not genuine" None of us are, desktop, NONE OF US

    Sometimes I charge my phone up to 98% and unplug it bcz why should I be the only one who didn't have the orgasm

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