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    19 Tweets From This Week That Are Funny AF

    "When my gf makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me."


    if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it


    guys really live in apartments like this and don’t see any issue


    If I have a medical emergency don’t U DARE call an ambulance y’all better uber my ass to the hospital bc we not about to pay 5,000 for a ride in the wee-yoo wagon


    When I woke up today, I thought I saw a mouse on my floor. (Without my contacts, I have -9 vision, so I can’t see). SO. I trap the mouse with a box. I put my contacts in so I can see, only to find out that I did not trap a mouse. I trapped my hairbrush. Have a great day.


    I just realized that in all of the purge movies, nobody ever steals anything valuable. All crime is legal for 24 hours straight and all you people are interested in is killing one another? Bitch the Apple store right across the street.


    lush employee pouring actual dirt into my hands: so I noticed u have dry skin and greasy hair and have no friends because you’re ugly and this will help with all that :) and it’s only $87 :)


    When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually


    this is what i mean when i type “hehehe”


    OMG I told a woman we didn’t have oat milk n she straight up wrote a PERSONAL ESSAY AB IT IM SCREAMING


    About 5 years ago I worked in a restaurant and Ludacris came in, ordered spring rolls, and sent them back. When I apologized he said “don’t apologize, spring rolls are unpredictable.” I think about this at least once a week.


    My nephew pulled a bowl of flour off the counter


    slashed someone’s tires today because he parked like a jackass.. was it justified? I think so.


    This just about sums things up, I think you'll find.


    who else lives in a city whose roads have been under construction since 5000 BC


    Teacher: the average test score was a 45% The class:


    My professor after I took that hard ass final: HAPPY HOLIDAYS 😁😁😁 Me:


    A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa


    when your friend says they called the Uber and you have 4 min to get the drunkest you’ve ever been


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