1.
Today I had 800 mg of caffeine, exercised for 2 hours, ate literally 80 pizza rolls, and did a facemask. The line between self care and self destruction is a fine one but god do I walk it hard brother
2.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H- me: wow you’re tall satan: thanks? me: how tall are you? satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns? me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
3.
Your password must be between 732 and 942 characters. It cannot be the same as any word in any known language. It must include 3 hieroglyphs, ancient Babylonian text and the solution to Fermat's last theorem.
4.
I would let Marie Kondo reorganize the organs in my body
5.
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE
6.
7.
I had a fever lastnight and my boyfriend thought the thermometer was a pregnancy test 😂😂
8.
some of u still don't eat the crust on ur pizza like absolute fucking cowards. it's just bread. are u a toddler? does ur mommy tuck u in? eat the crust stupid baby
9.
Y’all Mind If I Flex Real Quick ?
10.
my conversations w literally anyone: ⚪️ 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 ⚪️ ⚪️ 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 🔵 ⚪️
11.
My cousin is lying. Her son is 2, he ain’t say that shit
12.
My grandpa passed away recently. He made it a long time, but in the end I was the better swordsman.
13.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
14.
Whats App tales. Hi dad, you ok? How's things? Will you be home next week, I'll pop round. Dad is typing.. Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing.... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is typing... Dad is STILL typing... Dad: Yes
15.
when the answer “d) all of the above” is on a test
16.
