1.
my ex told me one time that i only have guy friends bc they want to fuck me and i honestly think about it all the time when i’m fucking my guy friends
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I love grading with my new stickers!
4.
every daft punk song is either "you're in a nightclub in france and your shirt is torn to shreds dance for your life" or "you're a robot desperate to learn what love is and come alive. you long for another being's touch be they flesh or cybernetic. it's raining."
5.
me: i don't like attention also me:
6.
imagine you’re a moth and your single day of existence was spent being in lord of the rings
7.
Thought I’d lost the dog there turns out av accidentally put the recliner down on him and he’s been lying inside the couch for an hour no giving a fuck
8.
i texted my dad saying “happy monday let’s get this bread”. his response was “i can go to Costco after work”. amazing
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11.
i wonder if people think i’m just joking when i say “idk i can’t do math” when someone asks a rlly basic number related question but the truth is i’m never joking i can never do math under any circumstance
12.
My dog just got surgery because he tore a ligament in his knee so they had to shave him and now you can see his lil butt crack https://t.co/SNX0QnQqwR
13.
Why does Kid Rock look like Dr. Phil dressed up as Kid Rock
14.
Joeys upset that the cat pajama-jam won’t be happening HAHAHAHA 😂 @joshgnosis
15.
every drink i make is a handcrafted beverage made with care and craft
16.
when someone asks me "what's up with you?"
