The Definitive Ranking Of Cakes

Excuse me, no. This is a serious and reprehensible crime against all baked goods.

Chocolate cake: Delicious.

Chocolate cake with cherries: RIP, DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CAKE.

Maraschino cherries are basically out to destroy the good name of cake. See all of the above.

The first time you have angel food cake:

"Ooooh, ANGEL food cake, it must be a heavenly delight!"

*Puts cake in mouth*

"Why am I eating a dish sponge???"

zzzZZZzzz. Lemon out.

Next time you eat cheesecake, remember you're essentially eating a solid BLOCK of cream cheese. Not worth it. Overrated. THERE, I SAID IT.

Ice cream cake is a lie and it's fooled us all for way too long. Here are my qualms: It's impossible to cut, the cake-to-ice cream ratio is way off, the cake that is there is frozen and frosty, and the icing is always that weird whipped stuff.

Red velvet cake tastes OK, but I can't trust any cake that's a brighter shade of red than Taylor Swift's lips.

Yellow cake is like the friend you make a big deal about seeing when you run into them, even though you never talk, and you're all like, "Oh my god, let's get lunch!!" and you both know you never will.

White cake? Chocolate cake? You don't have to choose! What a gift!

Here's my case for pound cake: It's substantial enough that you can eat it like toast for breakfast and get away with it. You can eat it with fresh fruit and feel good about it. YOU CAN MAKE DESSERT PANINIS WITH IT. That's all. Cake by the pound.

This is cake that you're actively encouraged to eat for breakfast. It wins all the points.

Banana cake owes everything it has to the godly creation that is cream cheese icing. Without it, banana cake is nothing. With it, banana cake is everything.

Like the cake you'd take to a gallery opening as your date because it's so simple and elegant and sweet and everyone loves it.

The black swan to coconut cake's white swan. In my food dreams (aka all my dreams), I see a little winged coconut cake on one shoulder and a German chocolate cake on the other, telling me to do bad things. You can see which ranks higher.

This cake doesn't just bring the party. This cake IS the party. At the end of the day, if you don't like Funfetti, I don't like you.

This picture is driving your salivary glands wild. There's no stopping it. You want this cake so hard right now. Back away from the screen, please.

There's only one way to improve chocolate cake and that's with a center of ooey-gooey hot fudge. Take me to the dark side.

The undeniable winner. This cake has everything. Cream cheese frosting, spice cake, walnuts, VEGETABLES THAT THINK THEY'RE DESSERT. This cake deserves its place atop any cake stand. It's 24-CARROT gold. So in the wise words of the all-knowing Mindy Kaling: