Look, let's just get this out of the way now — if you scroll any further down and DON'T want to read about dozens of men trying to turn coconuts into fleshlights, just get out of here right now. OK?
Last chance, bud. From here on down, this post is nothing but non-stop graphic descriptions of weird internet men trying to fornicate with coconuts.
Alright, so, over the weekend, a Reddit user called coconutthrowaway69 (nice) wrote up an absolutely horrible story in a subreddit called r/TIFU or "Today I Fucked Up."
The story starts eight years ago, with coconutthrowaway69 living in northern Mozambique. He said that his mom at the time was buying a lot of coconuts.
Anyway, around eight years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.
And one day, he decides he's just going to... bang one of them? He writes that he drilled into the thing and did his business. His big mistake, though, was he kept using the coconut for the next week.
One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.
I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.
For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven.
YEAH. He kept banging the coconut — without cleaning it — and about a week later he realizes the thing is full of maggots.
About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
Worst mistake I have ever made.
You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.
Even though his story is literally the worst thing ever, because this is the internet and men are literally deranged, a bunch of other dudes are now claiming that after reading the story, they also tried fucking a coconut.
Pretty much all of the stories go horribly wrong. This dude says he was having sex with a coconut when he realized he's actually allergic to coconuts.
Turns out, I'm allergic to coconut water, and my dick swelled up and block the hole.
I panicked and ripped my cock out, which cut it horribly.
So here's the lesson: DONT FUCK COCONUTS
TLDR: Didn't listen to two posts, fucked a coconut while allergic to coconut water, fucked up my dick real hard.
This dude says he tried coco-nutting, measured the hole wrong, and got his dick stuck in it.
And even drew a picture of what happened.
This dude says he was fucking a coconut when his mom walked in the room and caught him.
This dude says he tried coco-nutting, but went to Trader Joe's and accidentally bought a pineapple and had sex with that instead.
This dude tried to fuck a watermelon because he thought it would be softer, except it wasn't, and he says he ended up spraining his penis.
This dude says he also tried to fuck a watermelon instead of a coconut or a pineapple, but it slipped and broke his toe and he ended up having to go to the emergency room.
There are so many posts about this. This whole thing is a mess. This guy says he tried to fuck a coconut and tripped and fell while getting down with it.
"BENT PENILE SHAFT"
This guy says he tried to have sex with a coconut and then went on a date. When the girl decided to go down on him she freaked out because he tasted like coconut (because he apparently didn't shower) and then she had to explain that she's allergic to coconut. "TLDR: got intimate with a nut, later while trying to get a nut, I got a girl who can't handle nuts, and now thinks I'm nuts," he wrote.
There are so many of these posts 😩😩😩
Even if 75% of these are fake this is still TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVING SEX WITH COCONUTS!
This guy says he accidentally stabbed himself trying to cut a hole in his coconut.
Apparently, a woman tried it and somehow fucked the whole thing up too. She says she ended up stabbing herself in the vagina.
This whole thing has spun so far out of control there's now a cocofleshlight subreddit for all the people who want to talk about coco-nutting.
And yes, all of the posts on it are HORRIBLE.
Ryan Broderick is a reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in London.
Contact Ryan Broderick at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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