1. “What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.”
2. “A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.”
3. “What is the karate expert’s favorite beverage? Kara-tea.”
4. “What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.”
5. “Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.”
6. “What do you call an inflatable crazy person? A balloonatic.”
7. “Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.”
8. Two radio antennae got married. The wedding was OK… but the reception was great.”
9. “I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.”
10. “Where does a general keep his army? In his sleevy.”
11. “What’s brown and sticky? A stick!”
12. “What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!”
13. “Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad? His mummy.”
- The Clinton campaign is trying to stop television stations from running a pro-Trump ad featuring Michelle Obama.
- A federal jury cleared the leaders of an Oregon standoff. The militia group took over a wildlife refuge last January.
- An airplane carrying Republican VP candidate Mike Pence skidded off the runway at New York City's LaGuardia airport. No one was injured.
- RIP — Vine says it's discontinuing its mobile app, effectively ending the 6-second video service 💀