1. “What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.”
2. “A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.”
3. “What is the karate expert’s favorite beverage? Kara-tea.”
4. “What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.”
5. “Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.”
6. “What do you call an inflatable crazy person? A balloonatic.”
7. “Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.”
8. Two radio antennae got married. The wedding was OK… but the reception was great.”
9. “I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.”
10. “Where does a general keep his army? In his sleevy.”
11. “What’s brown and sticky? A stick!”
12. “What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!”
13. “Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad? His mummy.”
- It's Inauguration Day — Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States of America at 12 p.m. ET 🇺🇸
- And you can tune into BuzzFeed News on Facebook, where we'll be covering the entire ceremony live.
- Notorious Mexican drug lord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán has been extradited to the United States to face multiple charges.
- And as many as eight survivors have been found after a deadly avalanche buried a hotel in Italy.