1. “What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.”
2. “A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.”
3. “What is the karate expert’s favorite beverage? Kara-tea.”
4. “What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.”
5. “Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.”
6. “What do you call an inflatable crazy person? A balloonatic.”
7. “Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.”
8. Two radio antennae got married. The wedding was OK… but the reception was great.”
9. “I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.”
10. “Where does a general keep his army? In his sleevy.”
11. “What’s brown and sticky? A stick!”
12. “What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!”
13. “Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad? His mummy.”
- The White House continued to defend rolling back Obama-era transgender protections, with Sean Spicer repeatedly insisting it's a "states' rights issue."
- Recreational marijuana needs "greater enforcement" of federal law, said Spicer, pitting the White House against eight states that legalized recreational use.
- Beyoncé has pulled out of performing at the Coachella festival, citing doctors' advice about keeping a less rigorous schedule while she's pregnant 🐝😭
- Indiana police released chilling audio in the case of two teens found dead in the woods: a voice captured on one of their phones saying "down the hill."