1. So many stairs!
I know you think you’re really happy with your car right now. And elevators. And escalators.
But think again! This city is FILLED with stairs everywhere you go! You will never have to take an elevator ever again! Isn’t that a relief?!
Your calves will be muy caliente after day 30. After day 90, the stamina needed to climb Mount Everest won’t even phase you.
2. Such cozy living spaces!
Remember the bedroom you had growing up? Remember how big it was? How much wall space you had for silly things like posters? How much floor space you had for walking?
It was just so excessive! New York provides you with unique, cozy, precious apartments that don’t have all that nonsense! It gets right down to the nitty-gritty, so you only have to worry about things like where to put your feet, or how many fruitflies can kill your produce in 24 hours.
And I think that’s really all we want anyways. Right?
3. So many talented people JUST. LIKE. YOU!
This is so great about New York! You can go to an audition posted on Craig’s List an hour before the call time, and roughly 3,000,000 other people just like you will show up!
They can all sing. They can all act. They’re all funny! And they all have their headshots! How great is that?! They’re all just like you, so you know that if you didn’t get that part, it’s because someone just as talented had the opportunity.
HOW GREAT IS THAT?!
4. So many dates to go on!
Talk about fish and talk about a sea! New York has so many bachelors and bachelorettes to offer.
They may all seem like tools, sure, but think about the fact that you’re not married or in love or in a relationship AT ALL!
The best part is, you can think you’ve found someone great here, but they can turn around and end up being in a cult or have really weird food habits. So you get to drop that doofus and find another one. Again.
5. Two Bros Pizza
$1 a slice. You want two slices? $2. Three? We could play this game all night because it’s A DOLLAR FOR A SLICE!!
If you’re poor, you can find ten dimes or twenty nickels on the asphalt. If you’re rich, you can go to the ATM and spend the $2.00 fee to get a twenty dollar bill out.
This is a place where New York comes together. The rich, the homeless, the college kids, the lawyers, the celebrities, and even the unemployed.
Two Bros. is America. Two Bros. is New York.
It’s quite literally the only reason people should move here.
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