1. Choosing an outfit.
If you had any cool sweaters like Zach Morris, you would TOTALLY wear one on a date. But sadly, you don’t have Bill Cosby as a neighbor, and you don’t have the money to spend on such a wearable piece of art.
The first step is the worst step. This will set the tone for your entire evening. If your dress is short, you spend the whole night with your legs crossed all weird. If it’s too long, you’ve probably tripped on it twice before you’ve even met up with him. If you decide on pants, you run the risk of sitting like Sharon Stone (same for short dress). If you wear heels and he’s shorter than you, you feel weird. If you wear flats, you feel underdressed.
If your date shows up looking homeless, assume that he is indeed homeless. If they show up too casual, you looked too dressed up and try to tone it done with that awesome personality of yours.
It’s just a disaster.
2. Picking a place to meet.
Dinner? Drinks? Bowling? Movie? Park? Doesn’t matter, says your date.
Great. Thanks, dude. He’s already annoying. You now hate this guy before you’ve ever even met him.
Both of you finally decide that dinner’s a good idea. Now that that boulder’s out of the way- you face the mountain you must climb. Where will you decide to dine? He doesn’t care, he says, but deep down you know he wants something moderately priced. And deep down you know you want something free.
All right, a classy diner it is.
3. Picking a time to meet.
You can’t meet at 7 because you have a thing. He can’t meet at 9 because he’s got a thing too.
Wanna meet at 10? No? OK, how long will it take you to get you from your other “thing”? 11?
Who does he think you are? Does he think you have nothing better to do with your time?!
Yeah, 11’s good you tell him.
4. Actually meeting.
Now the two of you have to determine upon meeting how to greet each other. There’s a few options:
-Kiss on the cheek
You’re a fan of the handshake. But- your fist bump makes its way in the air and there is no time to stop it. He looks at you awkwardly and follows suit, and now the both of you are at a point where you already know where this date is going. Downhill.
At any rate, anything you were going to do to say hello to each other would have been just as awkward. And the best part of the meet and greet is when it’s over.
5. Getting a table.
So now you’re at the restaurant with the awkward introduction over. And… here comes the wait for a table.
You talk about… the weather. How his day was.
6. Picking out what you want to eat.
Nothing too expensive, nothing too gross, nothing too big of a platter, nothing too particular. Don’t get anything too healthy, too unhealthy, too garlicky, too salty. Act like you know what you’re going to get, but still ponder so you don’t run out of things to talk about before your food comes. Pretend to seem knowledgeable about food, but not too knowledgeable that you’re a food snob. Don’t ask how to pronounce something, but take an interest in what things are.
DO NOT ORDER FOOD. But order something anyways. Refer to above when ordering. It’s rather simple.
7. Laughing at everything.
You’ve unfortunately grown out of you adorable baby face, so instead, you act like everything is funny/sweet/awww to make you seem more adorable. Is he doing the same thing when you talk too? Or are you really that funny?
If you are that funny/sweet/awww, you starting thinking that you should should have your own TV show. Now you’ve stopped listening to him talk and are imagining your future full of glitz and glam.
…What’s that about your date saving puppies? Is that what he even said? “Aww, so cute!”, you say (tilt head to side to seem sincere).
“My dog died. How is that cute?”, your date responds.
You decide to use this situation on your future TV show. You also bring up the weather again to avoid topic of said dead dog.
8. Caring about stuff.
I bet you are sooooooo interested in hearing him talk about his family dog. I bet he is sooooooo interested in hearing you talk about why you straighten your hair instead of curling it.
Your food is coming shortly, right?
The key to this step is consuming as much free food as possible without seeming horrifyingly neanderthal-like.
You have not found a way to do this successfully. Neither has your date. Now he has spinach in his teeth and you can’t look away.
Popeye never looked this sexy, though, and you decide to ignore it. And continue eating like a pig.
The positive side effect of eating is that it allows you to both stop talking and sounding like idiots. You decide while eating that he’s cuter when his mouth isn’t talking.
10. Paying the bill.
You sit there, nervous. Now is the test of true chivalry. It’s not opening doors, it’s not letting you wear his jacket when it’s cold.
It’s the check. If he refuses to let you pay, you decide to marry him. If he lets you go dutch, you decide that punching him in the nose is not the classiest thing in the world.
You consider both options regardless as you’re pulling out your plastic-money-keeper (you decide that this should be another way to say “credit card”). But your date says, “No! I got this!”.
You secretly sigh and contemplate marriage once more. But there’s still spinach in his teeth, so now the only thing you’re considering is breaking the news to him about his obvious spinach-flaw.
11. Running out of questions.
Now that dinner’s done, you’re just walking around the city with your date.
You’ve talked about SO much already (weather, family, work, food, repeat), there couldn’t possibly be more to talk about! … And now he’s standing there looking like he wants to kiss you.
12. Deciding to kiss him or not.
This really should be “saying goodbye”, but both of you know that your goodbye is going to be an awkward hug/kiss on the cheek/smooch on the lips. It’s inevitable.
Dangit! He’s leaning in for the kiss!! AAH, no! WAIT UNTIL DATE TWO!
But he’s not going to wait until date two. He continues the lean-in. Panicked, you swipe your head to the left quickly!
HAHA! YOU MISSED SUCKAAAAAA. Except, not really- he got a side of your mouth. Weird/gross/interesting/maybe he should try that again.
Ok, bye dude.
Now you walk away embarrassed (and half-kissed).
As you walk away, you realize there is still spinach stuck in his teeth. You turn around to say something, but he’s nowhere to be seen. He’s now in the open world with spinach stuck in his teeth and it’s all your fault.
You feel bad (and still half-kissed).
13. Choosing whether or not to go on a second date.
Now that your night is over, you’re going to go home and tell your roommates every. Single. Detail.
The next day you’ll wake up and a text will be on your phone from your date, “had a lot of fun last nite”.
His grammar’s terrible, but maybe you want to go out again? Maybe not. But maybe? “Me too.”, you’re going to write back.
Did you really? Did you have a good time? Yes, you decide.
Seriously, who else is going to pretend like you didn’t side-swipe kiss them? AND not tell them about the food particle laying between his gums?
Now you’re going to start thinking about date two. What are you going to wear?
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