23 Places Where You Definitely Should Not Set Off Fireworks
The Fourth of July is upon us, which for many people means that it's once again time for amateur fireworks displays. But please take a minute to consider some friendly advice about where NOT to show everyone how much you love America.
1. Right Outside The White House
The Secret Service would not be amused.
2. On A Hot Air Balloon
Pro tip: You can launch fireworks into the air from the ground. You do not have to be up in the air to begin with.
3. Under A Thatched Roof
4. At A Golf Tournament
Fireworks are supposed to be fun, whereas golf is not.
5. At The Movies
6. Near Your Cat
Cats have enough to worry about as it is.
7. Anywhere Near A Cloned T-Rex
8. At Your Local Public Library
9. The Sistine Chapel
They'd like to keep all those fingers, thankyouverymuch.
10. Inside A Pumpkin
View this video on YouTube
You'll piss off the old guy.
11. Within Accidental Burning Distance Of The Constitution
We know you're fired up about the Constitution. But you will be in deep bald eagle shit if you set it on fire.
12. Next To The World's Largest House Of Cards
13. At A Funeral
Don't be that guy.
14. In Your Hand
15. On Top Of An iPhone
16. Near A Wooden iPhone Holder Shaped Like A Hand
17. In States Where All Consumer Fireworks Are Illegal, Like Massachusetts...
18. New Jersey...
19. And Delaware
Now you know something about Delaware!
20. In A Redwood Forest
21. At A Performance Of John Cage's 4'33"
View this video on YouTube
22. Inside A Fireworks Factory
Exploding fireworks factories are not even remotely cool in real life.
23. North Korea
Kim Jong Un would not share your enthusiasm.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, EVERYONE!