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5 Rants About New York

We all have goals and dreams. But not all goals can be dreams. You'll have to see it yourself.

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I remember those times when I said I wish I could live in a different country; move to a far away place where no one knew me; start over with new people; and didn't have to be where I was at that time—my home, the Philippines.

You know what, I got my wish. After 20 years and six months, I am now saying hi from the city that never sleeps. Live in a different country? From the Philippines to America, I got that. Move to a far away place? Well, what's farther than moving from one continent to another, right? Where no one knew me? Wait 'til you get to that part of this all. Didn't have to be where I was? Don't even get me started on how I just sabotaged the life I was perfectly happy with.

So if you're asking why I'm still not living the dream after getting all my wishes done, continue reading this. Nod your head for each reason you feel like you can most relate to. Or better yet, cry because it's true.

1. I don't have a job

I just got out of college about two months ago and those months were crazy long. Until now, I spend so much time at home that even going out for a cookout on the park makes me feel like a kid who just had her first lollipop. And that doesn't even happen all the time. I feel like I'm slowly rotting on my bed with bountiful sleep and Internet time (now that's a lovely way to pass away in this very millennial world).

On a serious note, being unemployed in New York is not a time to rejoice for the reason that you have a lot of time in your hands. No, don't tell me you'd spend your days going around the city. Those are thoughts that will gravely stay as thoughts stuck in your head. Come on, you're unemployed. You don't even have the budget for your daily needs, let alone a budget for an unlimited MetroCard. But luckily, you live with your mom. You don't pay for your basic necessities and rent. But my goodness, that's not an American Dream at all.

But don't get me wrong. I'm not just slacking off and waiting for a job to knock on my door. I am actively throwing myself in the job market out there and if it were a physical thing to do, I'd honestly be so bruised right now.

I sent over a hundred e-mails to companies, both big and small. I did get a few replies and most of them were to tell me that they're moving forward with another candidate. Really. Since I am actively searching for a job, I still keep seeing their ads posted online. I don't want to go against it but maybe it's because I didn't come from an Ivy League school and I certainly do not have the most outstanding resume so let's go with that.

I'd also like to impart how I've had interviews over the phone and in person for different companies, and how excited I was for each. But shout out to their Human Resources Department, I never heard back from them and that's just sad. But wherever you are right now, if you're extremely frustrated that you don't have a job or you don't have any follow-up e-mail to jumpstart your day, don't think that nobody wants you. The job is probably for someone else and there's a better one coming your way. So live that kind of dream instead and be patient while you're at it.

2. I don't live in Manhattan

Truth be told, I am a nobody in New York. I am not even a nobody of Manhattan. I am just a nobody of Bronx. Don't get me wrong, I love the Bronx. I live in a very peaceful neighborhood and I'm not complaining about it.

It just sucks that I watched a lot of Gossip Girl. After just an episode of it (and also after so many Hollywood movies set in Manhattan), your instant wish is to move to New York one day and live a perfect Blair Waldorf life with your very own Chuck Bass. But wake up. Manhattan is just too darn expensive. The rent is twice as costly but the space is also twice as small compared to the other boroughs. Their Foodtown (our go-to grocery in Bronx) is Whole Foods and it doesn't even make sense that you pay 10 bucks for a pint of ice cream. The American Dream includes being able to buy ice cream you can eat your feelings with for not living the dream.

But don't be sad. At least when you tell people you live in New York, it's not your fault when they think you are from Manhattan… because they haven't seen that much of Brooklyn, Bronx, Staten Island, or Queens in films (the closest most would get to their American Dream, I guess)—at least from where I came from.

3. I don't have New Yorker friends or friends in general

I love the social life I lived in the Philippines. Nothing big but it was important to me that I had friends that were up for anything and I actually found a bunch. It was a normal day for us to go on a road-trip and complain about being bored. It was also always a fun day each time we would gossip over coffee, and of course, a fun night when we would go out to drink until dawn or until someone from us passes out (I miss those times). But for the most part, I love that we would be active on Facebook to invite each other for lunch or dinner, arguing where to eat because each of us have different cravings so we'd have to meet halfway. And we usually opt for seafood or Korean cuisine—not that it's an important detail but I just really miss that.

Now halfway across the globe, I feel awful that I don't know anyone around here who would do the same things with me, or for the very least, do the list a so-called New Yorker would do like walk the Brooklyn Bridge with me; get lost with the lights in Times Square; watch a pricey but insanely exceptional Broadway show; eat an overpriced New York hotdog sold on the sidewalk; bike around Central Park; and as the list grows, I still don't have a friend to do these things with. So, let's move on.

4. I think so much of home

A lot of people can't get over their relationship but I can't get over why I'm here. I miss home more than I should and if depression attacks were a thing, then I get that a lot. I am thousands of miles away, three plane rides in total, it has been two months, and I still haven't moved on.

It's hard to live an American Dream when you haven't even started at all. I haven't built anything yet, but only reasons why I'm not living the dream. I definitely cannot stop thinking and talking about going home for Christmas, or next year as my promise to someone, or really just going home in the nearest future.

5. New York is growing on me

That's probably everybody else's dream, and maybe mine too? Like finding a hard-earned job that pays well, perhaps living in Manhattan one day, meeting people with mutual interests who may be the next set of friends you wouldn't want to let go of, and… living far from home?

Now the last part is the scariest of it all. What if it's not as good? What if it's only thrilling because it's something new? These what if thoughts are purely curated by a lot of things but mostly by this: I hate that I moved from home but I also hate that I somewhat love living in New York. I feel like I still haven't found who or what I really am and I wish to find her very soon. Then maybe, just maybe, I'd be living my very own dream.

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