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25 Questions You Were Too Afraid To Ask A Pregnant Woman, Answered

A teeny tiny bit NSFW.

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I am 21 weeks pregnant, and after receiving lots of shifty glances at my belly, I invited my colleagues to ask me anything. They did not disappoint.

1. Do nipples leak during foreplay?

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Not so far, although hearing a baby crying can trigger breastmilk production. Some breast pumps even allow you to record your baby's cries and play them back while pumping to help your milk come in.

So basically, once the baby's born I'll be having sex with earplugs in, otherwise things are going to get very niche in the bedroom.

2. Do you sometimes think it’s a bit creepy that there’s a thing growing inside you?

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Only when the baby swirls around and does somersaults – it's nauseating and feels a bit like a jellyfish is up in there. When he lodges his foot in my ribs it's less creepy and more like having a badly behaved tenant.

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3. Do you already love the baby?

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Definitely. It's hard to explain how exactly. Think about how you feel about a cherished relative you haven't seen in a while. Now imagine that you've never actually met that relative, and that they're kicking the hell out of your cervix.

Look, I did say it was hard to explain.

5. Is sex weird now? DESCRIBE HOW.

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Between the solid 23 hours a day you spend throwing up and napping, the niggling fear that the baby is silently judging your technique, and the fact that you now have a port side and a starboard side, pregnancy isn't always the sexiest time.

But once you've conquered all these problems, there's just the question of how to logistically have sex when one of you is welded to a watermelon. Other than that, it's not weird AT ALL.

6. How do I ask you if you're pregnant without offending you?

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The accepted wisdom is to refrain from asking such things unless you actually witness a baby coming out of a woman (and even then there may be extenuating circumstances). It's probably safer to wait until I tell you. Because I will. I will tell you ALL DAY.

7. Have your boobs gone peculiar?

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Very peculiar. My chest is marbled with dark blue veins (sorry, co-workers), I have constant jabbing pains, and I now have weird nature-documentary animal-boobs (sorry, everyone with an imagination). I am a catch.

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9. I want to offer you my seat but I can't tell if you're pregnant or just fat. What should I do?

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It's worth noting a couple of things here:

1. Sometimes we are pregnant and also fat.

2. Women in their first trimester may not be showing, but could still be dealing with headaches, exhaustion, and constant nausea.

To be on the safe side, just offer us a seat, even if we say no. Maybe phrase it as "I'm bored of sitting down, take my seat!" to save everyone some face.

10. How do you deal with the pressure of carrying an actual human person inside you?

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Surprisingly easily. It seems the influx of hormones has cancelled out my natural tendency to fret. I love the baby, and I'm instinctively protective of my bump (I recently fell on my ankle and sprained it, to avoid falling on my belly), so I don't really worry about it.

12. Did you have an idea of what being pregnant would feel like? How has that changed?

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I had no idea what to expect, but I'm soppier and softer than I thought I'd be, I feel emotional when other people's babies cry, and I've developed quite the waddle already.

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13. OMG you're enormous! You look as though you're about to pop! Should I tell you that?

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No one likes to hear they're enormous, so no. On the flipside, don't lie and compliment me on how small I'm looking, because then I'll worry there's something wrong with the baby. It's probably best not to say anything at all, and just to give me some snacks instead.

14. Has your relationship with your partner changed?

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He has to calm me down when I burst into tears because we're out of cheese, and we both frown cluelessly at baby-furniture catalogues a lot more than we used to, but otherwise no.

15. Is it weird if I touch your belly?

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If we're not related, or really close friends, or you're not treating me medically, then yes. Please don't. It's different for different women, though.

16. What is the grossest thing that's happened to you so far?

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While giving a sample at the midwife's, I managed to liberally splash myself with my own urine. Twice. So if you ever see a women exit a toilet with her top on backwards and a "nothing to see here" expression on her face, you know what's happened.

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19. What does it feel like when the baby kicks?

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Initially, like gas. As the baby grows, it's literally as though there's a little person in your uterus, kicking you. Fun tip: Poke yourself hard inside your mouth, and imagine that sensation in your belly. There you go.

20. Is it weird to not get your period? Or THE BEST?

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I was so looking forward to not getting my period, but then got round ligament pain, which is like a period pain that lasts throughout your pregnancy. This excited me...less.

21. Do you find yourself chatting to the baby sometimes?

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No, I'm far too self-conscious. In my mind we're basically in constant conversation, but speaking personally, it just feels too weird to say stuff out loud.

22. Do you have crazier dreams when pregnant?

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I've had very active, James Bond-style action dreams throughout my pregnancy. They have involved solving murders, international travel, and, weirdly, spelunking.

23. Do any senses become heightened, or others lessened?

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I can smell every full bin between here and Patagonia, and anyone with bad body odour will have me retching into my sleeve. Also, cheese has never tasted so good.

24. On average, how much time do you spend each day thinking about the pain of childbirth?

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I spring awake on the dot of 2am every night, panicking about pooing on the delivery table.

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