1. Being late. Look, you've thought about this. There are at least three people in your party responsible for getting you to the venue. And it's not as though you have anything else to do that day. You'll be fine.
2. Tripping over on your way down the aisle. In your heels and dress you're basically a nervy meringue on stilts, so it might happen. But even if it does, you'll still be married at the end of it. And if someone films it, you could get £250 off You've Been Framed.
3. Forgetting your betrothed's name. Rest assured that no one, least of all the person you're marrying, will let you get away with legally binding yourself to your ex or your own cat just because you slipped up through nerves.
4. Forgetting your own name. See above.
5. Someone objecting to the marriage during the ceremony. When you announce your intention to marry, members of the public will have their chance to object if there are legal grounds. If there aren't, and someone just wants to piss you off on the day, they will probably be invited by the person performing the ceremony to sit the hell down and shut the hell up. So relax.
6. Your flowers. Whether or not they're the exact shade of champagne that you ordered, it doesn't matter. They'll look nice in the photos, and they'll be dead tomorrow. Enjoy them while you can.
7. Being perfect in the photos. It is a photographer's job to take, on average, around five squillion shots per wedding. Chances are, you won't have your bum out in at least ONE of these pictures.
8. The centrepieces. Who cares if they're dead centre? What does it matter if you're one short? In a few short hours they'll all be a) set on fire by bored teen guests and drunk uncles, b) eaten by small children or c) kicked to the floor so your grandmother can dance on the table. Centrepieces schmenterpieces.
9. Your bum. It's fine. No one is looking at it. Everyone is looking at how happy and beautiful you are, and wondering whether you'll say the wrong name during your vows.
10. Only kidding.
11. Whether you have all your stuff. Look, you can't lug a backpack down the aisle. Leave that sort of thing to the bridesmaids.
12. Your bridesmaids hating their dresses. In a perfect world, you're not an overbearing ogre of a bride who's dressed her entourage in peach and chocolate, and they don't secretly despise you for it. But even if that is the case, after today they get to NEVER WEAR THEIR DRESSES AGAIN.
13. Whether everyone is having fun. Weddings have their highs and lows. All you can do it ensure that your guests are well fed and watered, and that the DJ doesn't play too much Skrillex. Other than that, the bridal couple is the priority.
14. Whether your families and friends are getting on. Where there is alcohol and flexible seating plans, there is a way. Relax.
15. Whether someone will turn up in the same dress as you. If they do, that's rude and they need to GTFO.
16. Embarrassing toasts. You can basically count on these. No one is going to write you a toast full of compliments, but you can be sure that whoever is giving the toast has practised in front of the mirror and is probably more nervous than you. So sit back, relax, and let them have their moment. It might even be funny.
17. Making a pig of yourself. As a bride or groom you are guaranteed to not eat enough, because you'll be too busy making honest people of yourself and mingling. So stuff your face at every opportunity – there won't be many.
18. On the flipside, you don't need to worry about whether you'll like the food. If it's not to your taste – that's fine, you probably won't eat any of it.
19. If the food's not to your guests' taste, tough – it's free to them so they'll get what they're given.
20. Unless of course it gives them food poisoning.
21. But, uh, don't worry about that.
22. Besides, everybody loves a funny wedding story.
23. The weather. Having distinct – and even uncomfortable – weather makes for a more memorable experience. Snow may chill you but will be pretty. Rain will force the photographer to be more creative. Anything save a full zombie outbreak is probably deal-with-able.
24. Drinking too much and making an idiot of yourself. So you drank all the champagne on an empty stomach then danced around with your skirt hem around your shoulders. Everyone will tell you how CHARMING it was. They have to: you're the bride (or the groom, obviously).
25. Someone else trying to make the day all about them. This is especially easy to deal with if you count on it happening. Endure them through the ceremony and then dance away from them during the reception (preferably with your skirt hem around your shoulders).
26. Upsetting your single friends, or friends whose relationships have failed. Two words: free bar.
27. Being judged by fancier brides. Two words: FREE BAR. Also, who cares if you're a thrift shop bride and they were in Vera Wang (or vice versa)? This is your day, not theirs. Okay, that was more than two words.
28. Your dress not fitting properly. If, for some reason, you balloon out of your dress on your wedding day, be reassured that there is little wardrobe magic a troop of single-minded bridesmaids with a yard of ribbon and some boob tape cannot achieve.
29. On the other hand, if you've shrunk a bit you can assign a bridesmaid to sit on your tail and let you know whether any parts of you are falling out inappropriately. It's their JOB.
30. Your shoes hurting. It is a sad truth that dress shoes and satin spike heels will, at one point or another, wear your poor feet down to nubs. Accept this fact, invest in some wedding-appropriate trainers, and move on.
31. Or just be that bride who takes her shoes off and limps around barefoot. Everyone loves that bride (I hope).
32. Mingling. No one will be offended if you don't get around to talking to them. We've all been to weddings and have spent a total of 3 seconds with a bridal couple before someone else whisked them away. We dealt with it and moved on. Also, FREE BAR.
33. The day passing by too quickly. This will always happen. The nice bit about weddings, though, is that flashes of the day will come back to you at the most unexpected times over the next few months, like tiny surprise slideshows.
34. Absent guests. Flaky bridesmaids? An aunt stuck on the M4? Not a big deal. They can make it up to you another time, which is always fun, and also you get to eat and drink their share of the refreshments.
35. Being stood up. This is more serious, and potentially humiliating of course. But it's better to know that someone won't work out sooner than later – even if it's in front of 100 people. Plus, once you've got over the heartbreak, you'll have 38 toasters to yourself. So that'll be nice.
36. Also: FREE BAR.