1. Get Literary at Atomic Books
What a better way to celebrate Grumpy Cat’s arrival to Baltimore then with a book signing? And what a better place to do a book signing then Atomic Books? Not only does this place have an incredible clientele and selection, it also has the best bar top in Baltimore! Now doesn’t that sound like the perfect place to have drown out your cantankers?
3. Say No to Natty Boh
I think it is actually made from the harvest tears of Baltimoreans and sold back to us nurse our woes. I know, it sounds perfect.
4. Get Crabby
Your trip to Baltimore wouldn’t be complete without a crab cake and we hide some of the best in the splendor that is Lexington Market. I know your a Friskie’s girl but isn’t it time you added some variety to the steady diet of food you upturn your nose to?
5. Catch a Ride with Fifi
Our own American Visionary Art Museum is home to one of the zaniest races in America. In the Kinetic Sculpture Race teams of people pedal huge sculptures up hills, through sand, and even into the water. Can you think of anything more joyless than watching a team of peddlers struggle to move huge mobile Grumpy Cat through a sand pit? We didn’t think so.
6. Rock the Beehive, Hon
Experience the monetization of Baltimore culture at Hon Fest, a festival that makes many a Baltimorean despair. Even Gordon Ramsay got grumpier after visiting the Hon Cafe, and I’m pretty sure no one thought that was even possible.
7. Lose a Curmudgeon-Off to H.L. Mencken
We see your grump and raise you an H.L. Mencken. Here’s just a sampling of his grump:
“The curse of all the arts is the fact that they are constantly invaded by persons with absolutely nothing to say.”
“My private prejudices are innumerable, and often idiotic.”
“No more than one man in ten, at least in the United States, is really a master of the trade he practises. The rest take money for doing what they are quite incompetent to do, and thus live by false pretenses.”
8. Pay Your Respects to Edgar Allen No
Let’s face it Mencken isn’t the only dark literary hero we have. I mean Poe wrote a story about walling a friend into a crypt and leaving him to die, you’ve got to respect a man like that.
9. Take Awkward Selfies with Michael Phelps
You know who’s home to the most winningest Olympian in the world? Yep, it’s us.
11. Head to the Home of The Wire
Like all cats of discerning taste, we know Grumpy Cat loves The Wire. If there is a show that shows us the cold hard, depressing, realities of life it is that brilliant epic about our hometown. Ever wanted to throw beer cans on the police station roof? Dodge trains while getting your late night drink on? Despair while watching the havoc the War on Drugs has wrecked on our town? We’ve got you covered, Grumpy.
12. Be an Extra on Veep
That’s right, Veep is shot right here in Baltimore. We’d love to see what hijinx Grumpy Cat would get in with Selina Meyer and her crew.
13. Or Get a Starring Role on House of Cards
Let’s face it, the only politician with a matching cold hard perspective on life is Frank Underwood. Think of all the lives you could ruin together. To quote the man himself, “Every kitten grows up to be a cat. They seem so harmless at first; small, quiet, lapping up their saucer of milk. But once their claws get long enough they draw blood. Sometimes from the hand that feeds them. For those of us climbing to the top of the food chain there can be no mercy. There is but one rule. Hunt or be hunted.”
16. Visit the Peacock Mantis Shrimp at the National Aquarium
In addition to plenty of fish you can eat when no one is looking, the National Aquarium is the home of a Mantis Shrimp. If you haven’t heard Mantis Shrimp can create shockwaves to kill the fish around them. They don’t usually have them in aquariums because they can break aquarium glass. Think about what would happen if you teamed up, you’d be unstoppable. (Credit to the Oatmeal for the quote)
18. Leave Your Mark
Our walls are full of great murals and street art in this town, but we’ve also got plenty of spaces still waiting to be grumpified. You’ll be the grump of the town!
19. Get Down and Dirty with Mike Rowe
That’s right Mike Rowe, of Dirty Job’s fame is also a Baltimorean. Imagine getting to tour some of the great industrial sites of Baltimore with the blue collar champion himself! Plus, your going to need a fall back career once your fourteen minutes of internet fame is up, so you better start training now.
20. Jeer On the Baltimore Marathon
Every year thousands of Baltimoreans decide to torture themselves by running 26.2 miles up our massive hills during the Baltimore Running Festival. Believe me there is really nothing grumpier then a marathon runner at mile 20. It’s a sight to behold.
21. Star in an Under Armour Ad
While you’re getting your sports on, you can also take a trip to Under Armour. I’m sure they’ve got gear that’s just your size.
22. Get Weird with John Waters
No to trip to Baltimore would be complete without a John Waters sighting. Just watch your kitty litter around the ghost of Divine.
23. Fire Up with the Orioles
Grumpy Cat, if you’ve ever met a long time Orioles fans you’ve looked into the soul of grump. But now you can come sneer at the fair weather fans with us as we battle in the World Series. We’ll even have a shirt for you with your face on it!
24. Make Baltimore the Grumpiest Town in America
Grumpy Cat, the truth is no town will appreciate you like Baltimore will. No town knows your grump better than us. You belong in Baltimore, Grumpy Cat.
Bring Grumpy Cat to Baltimore!
If you are a human reading this help our effort to bring Grumpy Cat to Baltimore.
1) Tweet why you believe Grumpy Cat should come to Baltimore with the hashtag #GrumpyTownUSA or retweet my posts @rsteggy
2) Instagram a photo of you in your favorite place in Baltimore with your best grumpy cat face and say: “Obviously, Baltimore is the only choice for #GrumpyTownUSA”
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