1. The best thing about the south of the Isle of Man is the one weekend a year (usually in late May or early June) when it's hot – and not just hot for the island, actually hot – and there's only one destination.
2. And there's only one view you want while enjoying a much-needed beer.
3. With the best of intentions you head down to the water to have your annual swim. Sadly this is about as much as you can manage, but at least you tried.
4. And if you're VERY lucky you'll avoid standing on one of the hundreds of jellyfish that appear every time the tide goes out.
5. Of course, by the time you've got yourself an ice cream the weather will have turned. But it was nice while it lasted.
6. You get REALLY annoyed when people say other beaches are better than Port Erin. I mean, Peel is ~fine~, but it's more exposed and much less picturesque.
7. And don't even get me started on Laxey beach. Giant pebbles do not an idyllic beach make.
8. Back to castles – we all spent at least one day a year in primary school visiting Castle Rushen.
9. And sure, Peel castle may have a ghost dog, but down south we've got this guy who makes groaning noises while taking a dump.
10. Before you were finished you'd inevitably pose for a photo of yourself straddling a cannon. Because obviously.
The phrase "who goes there?" will forever be burned into your mind, and you're OK with that.
11. Another thing the south has that those pretenders in the north and west could only dream of? Fucking steam trains.
12. And living so close to Ronaldsway means you know that if you have to, you can leave the house half an hour before your flight and still make it.
13. Talking of distance, living in the south means anything further than Douglas is officially too far. You go to Ramsey maybe once a year, and even that is against your will.
14. And you're fairly sure Jurby is just a myth they invented to scare children.
15. Douglas is just about an acceptable distance. Plus it means you get to say hello to these chaps on the way.
16. Unfortunately, when going on nights out the Manx bus system turns a 20-minute drive into a painful hour-long journey during which you'll definitely need a piss.
17. And being on the bus for over an hour means drinking on the bus is the only way to prepare for a night out.
Disclaimer: To anyone who might be in these photos and is less than happy about it, I apologise, but they were too funny not to include, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
18. Getting home from Douglas at 3am, on the other hand, is less fun. Wandering up and down the prom, praying for a taxi, knowing you've got a £40 journey (at least) ahead of you.
19. But if you're of a certain age you'll remember being able to go to Talons – the south's only nightclub.
20. Though take it from someone who was convinced to go to a Talons Revival night just a few short months ago, it was the right decision.
21. If, like me, you've left the island, you know that for as long as you live you'll be able to see everyone you've ever known in the Haven on Christmas Eve.
22. There will undoubtedly have been times when someone suggested everyone goes skinny dipping after a night in the Bay. Always a terrible idea.
P.S. If you recognise the people in this picture that says more about you than me.
P.P.S. But if you really want to know who they are, just drop me an email and I'll happily fill you in.
23. Raising the cultural bar a little, the south is also home to the last remaining traditional Manx settlement.
24. We also have a whole other island all to ourselves.
25. Put simply, the south of the Isle of Man is significantly better than everywhere else.