1. On physics: "The earth is gonna fall down one day. We have too many heavy things on it."
2. On the Amazon: "Do you know there's fish in the Amazon that go up your knob? Everyone's saying to me, 'You've seen the Amazon? That's amazing!' How come the stuff that lives in it doesn't want to live in it? He'd rather live in my knob than live in the river."
3. On space exploration: "Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."
4. On the film Gremlins: "What were those things in the film Gremlins called?"
5. On looks: "In a way, you're better off being the ugly one, and you get to look at nice things. You're looking at the nicer-looking people. Doesn't matter about being ugly. How often do you look at yourself anyway?"
6. On anatomy: "I reckon we'd get by okay if we had lobster hands."
7. On healers: "He said that all the badness in me was transferred to the guinea pig. So somewhere there is a guinea pig walking around with some major shit."
8. On how he'd spend his last day on earth: "I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse."
9. On the Great Wall of China: "It's not a Great Wall. It's an alright wall. It's the Alright Wall of China."
10. On the great questions: "Does the brain control you, or are you controlling the brain?"
11. On dolphins: "Dolphins can't get out of the water and they can't stay under it. And people say they're bright."
12. On expectations: "I expect the worst, so when it happens I'm prepared. Isn't that the right way to live? Why else do we all wear seat belts?"
13. On skiing: "Fucking hell. Grow up. Stop messing about on hills."
14. On what makes him laugh: "I saw a woman walking down the street with a pram and the baby fell out."
15. On health: "I tell you what I've never done... check my balls for lumps. I don't know what I'm looking for. It's like reading braille, innit?"
16. On his grievances: "What annoys me is how much land is being taken up by dead people."
17. On prayer: "That's what praying is, really. A posh moan."
18. On travelling: "You can be into travelling, but the world's only so big, innit? So eventually you're gonna run out of places to visit. Whereas biscuits... there's loads of them."
19. On stick insects: "Imagine being a stick insect, walking about, forvever going 'Is that whatshisname?' And you'd have to walk all the way up to the twig. 'Oh no, it's just a bloody twig again.'"
20. On happiness: "Happiness is like a cake. Have too much of it – you get sick of it."
21. On convenience: "When anything's done quickly it tends to be sort of shit. What's done quickly that's really good? Not much. Pot Noodle."
22. On jellyfish: "It's 97% water or something. So, how much are they doing? Give 'em another 3% and make 'em water. That's more useful."
23. On the pyramids: "It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand."
24. On the elderly: "You never see an old man having a Twix."
25. On dreams: "Your dreams should never be better than your real life. Unless you're a sloth. Because then they're asleep a lot, aren't they?"
27. On vampires: "If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his centre parting is always so perfect?"
28. On the rising sea levels: "It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."
29. On space exploration (again): "What was the rush to get to space? We landed a man on the moon before someone thought about putting wheels on a suitcase."
30. On statues: "Most statues are of naked bodies because sculptors find it easier carving a knob & bollocks than creases in trousers."
31. On getting something for nothing: "I like walking past the zoo, 'cause you can see the top of the giraffes for free."
32. On cats: "Ginger cats are always fatter. It's as if they're unhappy about being ginger and turn to food."