back to top

35 Very Good Tweets To Distract You From This Very Bad World

You need these tweets more than you know.

Posted on

1.

Guys. I'm here to red-pill you all. You've never heard the actual Monster Mash. You've just heard a record *about* the Monster Mash. Yeah.

2.

Laughed so hard reading this I had an asthma attack and was temporarily convinced I was going to die. All for the l… https://t.co/h34h3JwZBa

3.

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

4.

Look what my weed man texted me young 😂😂

5.

£3 a month has been coming out my bank for months n I only just realised I adopted a jaguar called Jev on New Year's Eve while I was fucked

6.

7.

"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars.

8.

"I thought you were weird. I thought it was a real fish" so my pencil case could be the reason I'm not making any… https://t.co/UmNqTUgIBR

9.

me after reading two tweets that were longer than 140 characters

10.

[school] TEACHER: what’s ur first name? ME: Juan TEACHER: and ur last? ME: Derwall TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall ME: *strums guitar*

11.

Imagine being part of the generation that could afford to buy a decent home and then choosing to massacre it with t… https://t.co/MczgK1rs7H

12.

My little brother made this comic and it's such a Mood™

13.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My

14.

15.

Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup)

16.

MY DAD TOOK A SELFIE WITH A PIGEON I'M SCREAMING

18.

Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off.

19.

catholic contestant: i'd like to buy 12 O's

20.

21.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees class: OOOOH [opens hawk cage] class: AAAHHH [calls principal] RELEASE THE BEES

22.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

23.

it..it’s 69 degrees in Nice right now *sheds tear* ...nice

24.

two biggest shocks of adult life: 1. everyone does cocaine 2. cheese is fucking expensive

25.

26.

27.

My psych professor asked if we'd heard of Pavlov. I said "it rings a bell." No one laughed, I'm too witty for this class.

28.

this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn't even be close

29.

SCIENTIST: Let's name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

30.

ACCIDENTALLY PASTED THIS INTO AN EMAIL INSTEAD OF MY E-SIGNATURE, AND IN MY PANIC TO DELETE IT MANAGED TO SEND IT.… https://t.co/T5jgDIRohZ

31.

The 280-character limit is a terrible idea. The whole beauty of Twitter is that it forces you to express your ideas concisely (1/47)

32.

Girl on campus today whispering to her dog: *No, you don’t always get a cookie for doing the right thing. That’s part of being an ADULT*

33.

My teacher left the room during a test so we all started sharing answers. Then I look up and she was staring right… https://t.co/BWlfnPXp2N

34.

[being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

35.

Really need to know who this cougar is

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

Dismiss