1.
Guys. I'm here to red-pill you all. You've never heard the actual Monster Mash. You've just heard a record *about* the Monster Mash. Yeah.
2.
Laughed so hard reading this I had an asthma attack and was temporarily convinced I was going to die. All for the l… https://t.co/h34h3JwZBa
3.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
4.
Look what my weed man texted me young 😂😂
5.
£3 a month has been coming out my bank for months n I only just realised I adopted a jaguar called Jev on New Year's Eve while I was fucked
6.
Sorry.
7.
"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." Terrible joke. Only three stars.
8.
"I thought you were weird. I thought it was a real fish" so my pencil case could be the reason I'm not making any… https://t.co/UmNqTUgIBR
9.
me after reading two tweets that were longer than 140 characters
10.
[school] TEACHER: what’s ur first name? ME: Juan TEACHER: and ur last? ME: Derwall TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall ME: *strums guitar*
11.
Imagine being part of the generation that could afford to buy a decent home and then choosing to massacre it with t… https://t.co/MczgK1rs7H
12.
My little brother made this comic and it's such a Mood™
13.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My
14.
This y’all mcm???
15.
Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup)
16.
MY DAD TOOK A SELFIE WITH A PIGEON I'M SCREAMING
17.
18.
Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off.
19.
catholic contestant: i'd like to buy 12 O's
20.
Deactivating
21.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees class: OOOOH [opens hawk cage] class: AAAHHH [calls principal] RELEASE THE BEES
22.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
23.
it..it’s 69 degrees in Nice right now *sheds tear* ...nice
24.
two biggest shocks of adult life: 1. everyone does cocaine 2. cheese is fucking expensive
25.
all because I said no to bingo night
26.
me on a bad day
27.
My psych professor asked if we'd heard of Pavlov. I said "it rings a bell." No one laughed, I'm too witty for this class.
28.
this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn't even be close
29.
SCIENTIST: Let's name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
30.
ACCIDENTALLY PASTED THIS INTO AN EMAIL INSTEAD OF MY E-SIGNATURE, AND IN MY PANIC TO DELETE IT MANAGED TO SEND IT.… https://t.co/T5jgDIRohZ
31.
The 280-character limit is a terrible idea. The whole beauty of Twitter is that it forces you to express your ideas concisely (1/47)
32.
Girl on campus today whispering to her dog: *No, you don’t always get a cookie for doing the right thing. That’s part of being an ADULT*
33.
My teacher left the room during a test so we all started sharing answers. Then I look up and she was staring right… https://t.co/BWlfnPXp2N
34.
[being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
35.
Really need to know who this cougar is