1.
When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke
2.
Thanks for the clarification, Dad.
3.
"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know" Me: wow 3 kids... those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
4.
my ubereats delivery man decided to be a smart ass......
5.
Well, that doesn't seem like a proportional response.
6.
That don't impress me much
7.
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
8.
When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you.
9.
my fav colour is also hitler
10.
Today, I flew on the set of a nightmare.
11.
We all deal with grief in different ways
12.
Delivery guy: Could I use your toilet? Me: Yes sure it's the door under the stairs. Delivery guy: Which one? Me: Er… https://t.co/GOtRgbkxsd
13.
"You lucky this man holding me back. Next time you say my moms neck game crazy he won't be here to save yo ass"
14.
A simple way to help you remember how to spell "honey"
15.
When sequels go bad...
16.
Riley, you're a genius.
17.
I'm no geologist but this is quite an interesting Rock formation.
18.
Me: Who needs antidepressants? I'll just listen to Hey Ya by Outkast daily Narrator: But things were not alright alright alright alright
19.
more bad news for single people
20.
my mom asked me for a pic of ed sheeran and i tried to be funny and i edited it i didnt know she was gonna frame it… https://t.co/hjxeapKCI0
21.
When a witch says your tongue has to float in the middle of your mouth without touching anything or you'll die.
22.
dont you just love slow burn
23.
the four genders
24.
Me: could i have a pepsi Waiter: is pepsi ok- OMG *eyes getting watery* finally Me: *smiling through tears* yeah *we kiss*
25.
Another juggler gives up on his dreams...
26.
Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room
27.
28.
Sideshow Bob's on the move
29.
Me in court: your honor i would like to plead guilty as well as request the death penalty Judge: this....is a parking ticket....
30.
Text from mum - having trouble sticking lashes on without her glasses.. turns out she was trying to glue a dead fly… https://t.co/LkZ5ECF9uQ
31.
WIFE: This is for a tweet isn't it...
32.
Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV