36 Brutally Honest And Sweary Things Noel Gallagher Has Actually Said
On Liam: "He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup."
1. On audience participation: "I cringe when I see these bands doing all that 'Everybody over here get your hands up!' shit. Fuck off. I’m not arsed where I am or even why you lot [the audience] are here. I’ve made a record, you’ve come to see me play it live. The end. Now buy a T-shirt on the way out and fuck off."
2. On interviews: "I have an opinion on everything, and if I don’t have an opinion, I’ll fucking make one up on the spot."
3. On writing an autobiography: "Yes, I'll do one. No, I won't do a Wayne Rooney and write six."
4. On his biggest hero: "My mum, because she brought Liam Gallagher up. I mean, fuck me."
5. On litter: "I don't like litter. I like that Singapore thing. You know – you get caught dropping litter you get your head chopped off."
6. On music reviews: "I reckon if Thom Yorke fucking shit into a light bulb and started blowing it like an empty beer bottle it’d probably get 9 out of 10 in fucking Mojo."
7. On artist-against-artist beef: "You can say that you respect someone as an artist a thousand times and it will never get reported. But you call someone a cunt once…"
8. On people who work too hard: "I don't like workaholics. Don't fucking trust them. Why are they working? I don't trust busy cunts. That's how wars start: busy fuckers."
9. On Keane: "Traditionally speaking, the three biggest twats in any band are the singer, the keyboardist, and the drummer. I don’t need to say anything else."
10. On his mum: "Hard work and a fucking filthy tongue, that’s what I inherited from my mum. She taught the nineties how to swear."
11. On his dad: "My old man invented road rage. When the new Ford Sierra came out it was a big thing. I remember him calling a guy in the street out of the window, 'You fucking Sierra-faced bastard!' That’s poetry, man."
12. On his cat: "Well, I didn’t name him. Let’s get that straight. My 4-year-old named him Boots. Not after the chemist, obviously. Although, if he’d named him Superdrug, that would’ve been fucking brilliant. Anyway, I don’t know why he’s called Boots and I didn’t think I’d like him, but I fucking love this cat. I fucking love him. I keep telling him, 'I fucking love you.'”
13. On Liam: "I read these interviews with him and I don’t know who the guy is who’s in these interviews, he seems really cool, because the guy I’ve been in a band with for the last 18 years is a fucking knobhead."
14. On why he doesn't like Alt-J: "I don't know. One of them's got a moustache, and that's unacceptable."
15. On his daughter: "Kids have got to make their own choices. I don’t want my daughter’s record collection to be the same as mine – I don’t want her to be as cool as me."
16. On life lessons: "Nothing good happens between the hours of 4am and 6am."
17. On his wife: "I didn’t even get a fucking birthday present last time. Fucking hell! She pulls out that one: 'But you’ve got everything! How many more effects pedals can I buy you?' One more! One fucking more will do. One more!"
18. On building his own gym: "I cannot go to a gym. I cannot be in a gym with another guy my age who was at Knebworth – he ain’t seeing that. That’s too undignified for me. So I’m afraid we had to dig the basement out."
19. On Adele: "Adele? I'm not a fan. She always comes on the radio when I'm having my cornflakes: 'Hello?' No, fuck off!"
20. On Liam's anger: "He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup."
21. On stagecraft: "It’s beneath me. Stagecraft is beneath me. That guy from Maroon 5 – he needs stagecraft."
22. On his favourite anecdote: "Ewan McGregor was my neighbour, right, and he came round my house the night he got the part of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I just happened to have two of those lightsaber toys, so I said, 'Come on – in the back garden.' And we had a fucking lightsaber fight. His first Jedi training session was with yours truly in my back garden at eight in the morning."
23. On modern pop stars: “'Oh, yeah, my last selfie got 47-thousand-million likes on Instagram.' Yeah, why don’t you go fuck off and get a drug habit, you penis?"
24. On what people think of him: "If your work is good, then you don't have to be."
25. On frontmen playing guitars: "The further away Bono stays from a guitar, the better. Chris Martin is a frontman, but not when he’s playing guitar. Mick Jagger is a frontman. When he plays the guitar he looks like a dick. Liam used to pick up the guitar and we’d all go, 'Ha ha, no. What are you playing it up there [on your chest] for?'”
26. On music industry focus groups: "They literally go outside their building and ask people walking by, 'If I played you this song, what would you think?' and all that. Don't ask the man on the street! He's a cunt!"
27. On writing songs for someone else: "You can’t write songs about your wife if your brother’s singing it. No, that’s not going to go down well."
28. On playing the hits: "Thom Yorke sat at a piano singing 'This is fucked up' for half an hour. We all know that, Mr Yorke. Who wants to sing the news? No matter how much you sit there twiddling, going, 'We're all doomed,' at the end of the day people will always want to hear you play 'Creep'. Get over it."
29. On Liam's marital problems: "I saw Liam at a Man City game recently and we were all right. Bless him, he's going through a bit of a tough time – you live by the sword, you get divorced by the sword..."
30. On life before success: "We couldn’t afford carpet and it was embarrassing when you’d bring girls back. 'Oh, you’ve got no carpet?' And I remember coming to London for the first time and people having no carpet on the floor and it was a status symbol. And I had to go back and say to my mum, 'You know in London, they don’t have carpet on the floor? What they’ve done is polished the floorboards.'”
31. On giving up drugs: "One day in 1998, I said, 'Everybody out.' And that was it. It was a moment of clarity. You can’t keep having the same fucking conversation in your kitchen about the pyramids and David Icke and all that shit."
32. On not caring: "We went to the Brits and we’d won all those awards and we didn’t play. The head of the Brits said, 'This’ll ruin your career.' Fucking, wow. I say to the guy, 'Do you know how high I am? You know who’s going to ruin my career? Me, not you. Bellend. More champagne. Fuck off.'"
33. On Twitter: "I’d probably be incarcerated if I was on Twitter. I tend to speak my mind a lot. I would get in serious fucking trouble. In interviews I can always blame shit on you [the journalist], I can always say fuck that guy, he twisted that shit. If it’s on my Twitter account I’d end up in fucking jail."
34. On his hobbies: "This. Doing interviews. I fucking love it. I could do this all day long. It’s sick. Because I get to be a gobshite, and I get to do that thing: to be the last of a dying breed."
35. On his greatest achievements: "I’m proud of three things, maybe four things. To get to this age and not have dyed my hair is a major achievement. No earrings. No tattoos. And no motorbike."
36. And finally: "There’s a little bit of cunt in everyone, I suppose."