1. Thanks = Well done on reading this whole email.
2. Thanks! = Genuinely amazed you made it all the way through this.
3. Many thanks = Zero thanks.
4. Thank you = I am furious with you.
5. Thx = I think Zayn is my favourite member of 1D.
6. Regards = I really couldn’t care less.
7. Kind regards = I really couldn’t care less, but this is my way of appearing like I could.
8. KR = I couldn’t even be bothered to write the full words, that’s how kind my regards are.
9. Warm regards = If we ever meet I’ll probably try to smell your hair.
10. Warmest regards = …and I don’t mean the hair on your head.
11. Sincerely = Insincerely
12. Faithfully = The internet is a hub of pornography and violence and I think the world’s problems would be solved if everyone just wrote handwritten letters.
13. Yours = There’s a picture of you on my pillow.
14. Cheers = Look how normal I am.
15. Cheers mate = Look how normal I am, now let’s get to the pub.
16. Ta = I am too busy to write whole words, so this noise shall suffice.
17. Bye = Fuck you.
18. Good-bye = Fuck everyone.
19. Best wishes = I have to write something here, and this will do.
20. Best = I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for lunch.
21. Very best = I know what I’m going to have for lunch now and I’m super psyched.
22. All the best = BURRITO MINUS 30 MINUTES!
23. [Your name] = I can spell my own name!
24. [Your initial] = I can’t quite spell my own name.
25. :) = This emoticon is happier than I could ever hope to be. Why does no one love me???
26. ;) = I totally would.
27. Laters = I have so much disdain for you that I just made up a word.
28. Looking forward to hearing from you = REPLY IMMEDIATELY.
29. x = I’m flirty.
30. xxx = I’m currently under investigation for an HR violation.
31. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx = I’m not allowed to use scissors.
32. Take it easy = You’ll never see me again.
33. See you soon = Oh god I hope not.
34. Talk soon = See above.
35. Sent from my iPhone = I HAVE AN iPHONE.
36. Sent from my iPhone so please excuse typos = I HAVE AN iPHONE and I’m zany.
37. Love = So lonely.
38. Lots of love = So very, very lonely.
39. Write back = Write back, or the cat gets it.
40. TTYL = YSPNTTMABIACAS (You Should Probably Never Talk To Me Again Because I Am Clearly A Sociopath)
41. Take care = Die in a fire.