63 Things That Mildly Irritate British People On A Daily Basis
For anyone who's ever been soaked after standing on a loose paving slab.
1. When someone calls the house phone after 9 o'clock.
2. When sport overruns and the 6 o'clock news starts at 6:05pm.
3. When there's a random plastic bottle rolling around on the floor of the top deck of the bus, but everyone refuses to pick it up. Including you.
4. When your item is in the shitting bagging area but the shitting machine keeps telling you to put your shitting items in the shitting bagging area anyway. Twat.
5. When your phone and laptop keep telling you that you've misspelt "flavour" or "colour" or "misspelt".
6. When someone wishes you a "Happy Hump Day".
7. When you're trying to carefully open a bag of Percy Pigs but it rips down the side and they all fall out.
8. When someone in the "10 items or less" queue clearly has 12 fucking items.
9. When you see someone and say "Alright?" and they actually give you an answer.
10. When someone eats pickled onion Monster Munch on public transport.
11. (Unless that someone is you.)
12. When people kiss on public transport.
13. (Unless one of the people is you.)
15. Standing on a loose paving slab and being sprayed by a powerful jet of brown sludge.
16. When you know an answer on University Challenge but the contestants don't, and you question why they wasted a fortune on their education.
17. When someone sneezes on the train without covering their mouth and causes you to get ill (even if you don't get ill for another month, it was definitely their fault).
18. When you bump into someone you know and say you should go for a drink some time, and they actually take you up on it.
19. The fact that your local Spar is selling advent calendars in September.
20. When you've done nothing all weekend and then spend Monday at work feeling inadequate as people ask you what you got up to.
21. When there's nothing on TV.
22. (Even though you spend £100 a month on Sky+ AND have Netflix and Amazon Prime and a shit ton of DVDs.)
23. Other people being on holiday.
24. When you hear someone else being asked for directions and you actually know the answer.
25. "Kind regards".
26. When someone makes you a cup of tea but you see them take the bag out after five seconds so they've basically made you a lovely cup of hot milky water.
27. Or even worse, when you see someone microwave it.
28. When the bartender doesn't fill your pint up to the top.
29. When it's your round but your friend's drink costs twice as much as yours.
30. When you're served a beer in a glass that has a different beer's logo on it.
31. "Keep Calm and…"
32. When people are kind to you.
33. And genuine.
34. Seriously. Fucking stop it.
35. When you see someone at one of the table seats on a train putting their feet on the seat opposite.
36. (Unless it's you. I mean, it's really comfortable.)
37. When someone has strong feelings about putting the milk in ~before~ the water.
38. When someone has strong feelings about anything.
39. When Americans assume Britain = London.
40. When the sandwich you buy for lunch every day *slightly* changes its ingredients and your world turns upside down.
41. Rail replacement bus services.
42. When someone literally doesn't understand how to use the word literally.
43. When you watch Question Time.
44. (And then for some reason you watch it again next week.)
45. When someone who is not in a queue is stood close enough to a queue to make it look like they're queuing so you stand behind them like a bellend.
46. When you see a picture of yourself.
47. When you hear a recording of your own voice.
48. Basically anytime you're reminded of your own disappointing existence.
49. When someone says "you choose".
50. When someone is sat in the seat you reserved on the train but you feel too bad to ask them to move.
51. When you order a pie in a pub but it's just a dish with a pastry lid.
52. THAT. IS. NOT. A. PIE. IT'S A CASSEROLE WITH A LID.
53. When someone is stood in front of the thing you want in the supermarket so you just go without.
54. When you call someone and they actually answer.
55. When you're on the bus and someone behind you slams the window shut and you more or less shit yourself.
56. When your friend's phone rings when they're not in the room and they ask you to answer it.
57. When your own phone rings.
58. When you bump into your colleague on the way to work.
59. All unironic uses of the word "banter".
60. Also "bants", "bantz", "Bant & Dec", "bantersaurus rex", and – of course – "Archbishop of Banterbury".
61. When someone pushes past everyone to get to the door before the train has stopped, even though everyone is getting off.
62. When someone makes sweeping generalisations about British people as if they're all the same.
63. James Corden.