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29 Perfect Tweets That Are Stupid And Funny In Equal Measures

We all needed this.

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1.

wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

2.

Before u leave the house, think of the acronym 'WOWEE' Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup)

3.

*shakes wife awake* *whispers* Karen. Karen! Don't make any sudden moves...he's back again.

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4.

.@FoxNews WHEN ARE YOU GONNA TELL US HOW THE FOXES ARE

5.

As his name is not "Biggest Bird", we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

6.

julius caesar (dying after being stabbed 23 times): please…name a salad after me

7.

When life gives you lemons, you Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

8.

[blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

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9.

my kindness is NOT weakness. my patience is NOT permission to be cruel. my shoes ARE glow in the dark but i only found out AFTER i got them

10.

When you come out of your room and your roommate has people over

11.

I will know I've made it when my wikipedia is formatted like this

12.

[inventing dogs] God: ur mans best friend Dog: pretty sexist God: no, man as in every-fuck it u can't talk Dog: ... God: & chocolate kills u

13.

These have got to be the two dumbest people alive

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14.

MARRIAGE πŸ‘ IS πŸ‘ BETWEEN πŸ‘ A WOMAN πŸ‘ AND πŸ‘ WHOEVER πŸ‘ GUESSES πŸ‘ HER πŸ‘ THREE πŸ‘ RIDDLES

15.

I'd love to get in touch with Emilio Esteves. Does anyone have his emailio addressteves?

16.

Genie: what is your first wish Joe: i want to be rich Genie: granted. and what is your second wish Rich: i want lots of money

17.

its weird to think people who are 5ft are only 5 subways long

18.

from left to right: me on twitter, facebook, tumblr, instagram, and linkedin

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19.

Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say "we're The Chainsmokers" and I'd believe them.

20.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

21.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in bouncer: theres no way hes 21 me: but- stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

22.

and im falling asleep and she calling a cab while he's having a smoke and hes also a crab

23.

It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

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24.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

25.

sean spicer looks like the guy in the group of survivors that hides the fact he was bitten by a zombie

26.

Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off.

27.

might go jail so i can focus on gym properly

28.

29.

The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in your local elections.

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