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67 Things You Learn When You've Lived In London For Five Years

Don't worry, you'll NEVER stop finding Cockfosters amusing.

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1. Which exit you actually need to use at Old Street.

2. That treating yourself to a cab home from time to time is important. And if you're too drunk to remember paying for it then it didn't happen.

3. Where to stand so that the tube doors stop right by you so that you can feel smug.

4. And where to get on the train so you're right by the exit when you get off, so you can feel smug.

5. The nearest pub to every tube station on your way home, and the precise position of the toilets within said pubs.

6. That you don't actually need to wait for the barrier to close before you swipe your oyster.

7. And that gently shoving people who don't understand this is totally acceptable behaviour.

8. What time the first tubes go.

9. What time the last tubes go.

10. Morden is not a nice place to wake up.

11. Where the pubs with actual beer gardens are (as opposed to the ones which put a picnic bench on the street and call it a beer garden).

12. Which stations it's actually faster to walk between.

13. That as good as they may smell, you should NEVER eat a hot dog from outside Brixton station.

14. Same goes for Farringdon.

15. That even in a city with 6 million people you WILL bump into your ex.

16. Usually at the worst possible time.

17. And at the precise moment they see you the tube doors will close on your lonely face. (Note: This totally didn't happen to anyone. Especially the author, who definitely wasn't left with a black mark on his face from the door for the rest of his journey.)

18. There is no shame in online dating.

19. Except all the shame.

20. So much shame.

21. Deciding to take the stairs at Covent Garden station might just be the last thing you ever do.

22. There is no such thing as a quick drink after work.

23. Thursdays are the new Fridays.

24. Wednesdays are the new Thursdays.

25. And so on.

26. Despite all the fridges, you never see anyone actually drinking in a Foxtons.

27. And rather than beer and mineral water, the bottles in Foxtons actually contain the souls of a thousand recent graduates who've been forced to pay a grand a week to live in a cupboard in Clapham South.

28. Infernos is never the answer.

29. Apparently, standing outside the Tate Modern in a chicken costume counts as busking.

30. No matter how many times you fall in love on the tube, you will never say anything to them.

31. If you don't think you'll be able to get into the carriage in time without your head getting stuck, it's not worth the risk.

32. Being in one of the most populous cities in the world somehow makes it harder to find love.

33. Though thankfully it's much easier to find cats, which make an ideal substitute for love.

34. Goodge Street is basically irrelevant.

35. Someone's always eating a better brunch than you.

36. Which pubs will have seats when everywhere else is rammed.

37. Which pubs have dogs.

38. Notting Hill Carnival is a fucking nightmare and everyone only pretends to have a good time.

39. This is also the case for the whole of east London.

40. The Central line in the evening rush hour is actually an underground Bikram Yoga club. Get into it!

41. If you cancel plans with someone, it will be a minimum of five weeks before you will get to see that person again.

42. There's no reason to go to Dalston unless you're a teenager or like bars that stink of piss and sambuca.

43. Chicken Cottage is a national treasure and has saved your life more times than you can count.

44. Ilford is barely London.

45. Richmond is definitely not.

46. If you don't leave London at least once every few months you will turn into a bit of a cunt.

47. You can actually be in Brighton in less time than it takes you to cross London.

48. No one will enjoy your plan to drunkenly climb the fourth plinth as much as you will.

49. Brixton Village is nice 'n' all, but life is too short to eat your dinner while wearing gloves and a woolly hat.

50. The horror of Westfield is totally worth it for the 30 minutes you wander around John Lewis pretending you live there.

51. No friend is worth travelling to Zone 5 for.

52. When one of your friends moves to the opposite side of the river you might as well say goodbye forever.

53. There will be a time when you are the most annoying person on the bus.

54. As long as you don't hail the bus with a can of beer they really don't care if you drink on them.

55. However small your flat is, there is someone in a smaller one.

56. Huge groups of Spanish school children only travel during rush hours.

57. Buses > the tube.

58. It's actually possible to buy a house here.

59. LOL jk, it's really not.

60. Ever.

61. The places you mocked as being far out and boring are the places you live now.

62. After you've said "this year I'm going to go and see more plays and things" for the third year in a row, you probably never will.

63. Not doing things is generally preferable to doing things.

64. It's the worst city in the world.

65. It's the best city in the world.

66. You wouldn't change a thing.

67. Except for the whole property-price shitshow, obviously.

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