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If Football Teams Were "Game Of Thrones" Houses

For the summer break is dark and full of terrors.

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1. Liverpool

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Sigil: A Liver bird

Words: "Next year is our year."

Enemies: House Goodison, House Trafford

History: For decades House Anfield ruled the Seven Kingdoms with apparent ease, until Ser Alex of Ferguson led a rebellion from House Trafford. The North remembers, however, and songs of the legendary Kings Kenny, Paisley, and Shankley are still sung in the hope of a return to House Anfield's glory days.

2. Newcastle United

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Sigil: A drunk fan punching a horse

Words: "We even punch horses."

Enemies: House Mackem, House Boro

History: Centuries of living in the Seven Kingdoms' most northern extremity have made House Tyne strong and resililent against the cold – their followers often go into battle wearing no clothes from the waist up in an effort to confuse their enemies. Almost 20 years ago they attempted a short-lived rebellion against the ruling House Trafford under the leadership of Ser Kevin Keegan. It didn't go well. He did not love it.

3. Aston Villa

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Sigil: A lion

Words: "Never top. Never bottom. Just sort of... there."

Enemies: House Brum, House Baggies

History: House Villa, though loyal and with a proud history, are more well known for their incredible mediocrity. In living memory no house from the Midlands has ruled the Seven Kingdoms, but with Ser Tim of Sherwood at the helm there is a good chance that they'll enter a few more battles. Whether they're successful or not remains to be seen.


4. Arsenal

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Sigil: A cannon

Words: "We are invincible", though this has been changed to "We were invincible" so as to be more accurate.

Enemies: House Spurs, House Stamford, House Trafford

History: House Gunner has long been one of the most powerful houses in all the realm, though a reluctance to invest heavily in their army has perhaps prevented them from usurping House Trafford. They once went a year without losing a battle, which caused them to change their words to "We are invincible". This is very much not the case anymore.

5. Everton

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Sigil: A tower

Words: "Aiming for seventh."

Enemies: House Anfield

History: At one point in time House Goodison and House Anfield were the two most powerful houses in the Seven Kingdoms, but in the modern era they've had to readjust their expectations. Under Ser David Moyes they became known for being the best of the rest. Never fighting for control of the realm, but rather waiting for other houses to beat each other up in order to one day take advantage...

6. Norwich City

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Sigil: A yellow canary

Words: "Let's be having you."

Enemies: House Portman

History: The dominant force in the eastern kingdom of East Anglia (that's not saying much), House Canary is a house constantly in flux – rarely being able to maintain their position for a long period of time. They are, however, a very popular house. Supported by many a big name in Westeros, including Maester Fry and famed cook Lady Delia Smith, whose battle cry provided House Canary's words.

7. Manchester City

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Sigil: A bag of money

Words: "Aguerooooooooooooo..."

Enemies: House Trafford, also ANY of the major European houses.

History: House City are well aware of their primary strength – they are the richest house in the Seven Kingdoms. As a result they managed to grow from a relatively small and unsuccessful northern house into would-be rulers of the realm. It is thought that the wars between House City and local rivals House Trafford could dominate the coming years – where the power will lie in even a year's time is anyone's guess.


8. Manchester United

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Sigil: The devil

Words: "United are coming (from Surrey)."

Enemies: House City, House Anfield, House Gunner

History: In recent years there has been no house as powerful as House Trafford. Under the rule of Ser Alex of Ferguson they were feared and hated in equal measure. Though their power has waned since Ser Alex stepped down, rumour has it they are investing heavily in a bid to take back the throne their followers have come to think of as rightfully theirs. For a northern house they have significant support in the south, so you'd be a fool to bet against them.

9. Tottenham Hotspur

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Sigil: A cock and ball

Words: "False hope is better than no hope."

Enemies: House Gunner, House Hammer, House Stamford

History: Many famous knights have fought for House Spurs over the years. Ser Lineker, Ser Gazza, and Ser Bale to name just a few. Though those days are all but gone, and before they set their sights on the Iron Throne they need to focus on taking control of North London. They have won the odd battle against House Gunner, but they still seem a long way from winning the war.

10. West Ham United

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Sigil: A hammer

Words: "Don't mess with us, we've got bubbles."

Enemies: House Spurs, House Millwall

History: Though a small house in comparison to some, House Hammer are famed for always being up for a battle. It's been a long time since they've had any real power, but they are soon to move into a new castle, and it's unlikely any house will look forward to paying them a visit.

11. Southampton

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Sigil: A liver bird

Words: "Sell! Sell! Sell!"

Enemies: House Pompey

History: House of the legendary knight, Ser Matt Le Tissier (known as "Le God"), House Saints are rulers of the south coast, having beaten House Pompey down to near extinction. In recent years they have sworn fealty to House Anfield, adopting their sigil and vowing to send all of their best men up north (for a hefty fee, of course).

12. Chelsea

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Sigil: John Terry

Words: "Always dressed for battle."

Enemies: House Gunner, House Fulham, House City, House Trafford, House Anfield, House Spurs

History: The reason House Stamford has so many enemies is simple: when you sit on the Iron Throne, EVERYONE is an enemy. Their words were used by other houses as an insult after Ser Terry, their hated leader, turned up at the end of a battle that he wasn't involved in dressed in full armour and taking full credit. Now embracing this insult as their official words, they hold all the power. Though you can be sure it won't be long before someone tries to take it from them.