1.
Busy morning so far, updating all my Euros
2.
You from south london?
3.
This entire shelf of own-brand cereals sounds like an old English army Major, trying to find a euphemism for gay me… https://t.co/eRVPVpxYVD
4.
I've got a Blur alarm clock, so I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.
5.
I like to think that's just how she walks.
6.
Smashing Pumpkins is my favourite: 1) band 2) phrase used by an upper middle class British father to praise his two young children
7.
In this photo Theresa May looks like she is being treated at the roadside after a minor traffic collision.
8.
Anyone want a signed set list of mine from 2006?
9.
🎶Wasn't it good, Oh so good, Wasn't he fine, Oh so fine, Isn't madness he can't be mine🎶
10.
Note to Las Vegas airport. Are you aware you've used Nick Clegg on your maintenance posters?
11.
It's pronounced "Bouquet".
12.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
13.
autoglass: autoglass repair me: autoglass replace
14.
🎶... Hey Jude🎶
15.
If we do go to war with Spain we should attack between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.
16.
Woah, black Betty
17.
A rare glimpse of an inner-city bollard charmer in action.
18.
imagine if toast was a4 size
19.
Day 1 v Day 14 of your all inclusive holiday.
20.
its mad to think that if you buy a triple sandwich at Tesco, someone else is eating the other half of the same sandwich
21.
Throwback to when Jim Bowen got caught by Boba Fett
22.
After you stay the night with Arsene Wenger
23.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
24.
Shag garlic, marry ginger
25.
For just a second there I thought someone had left Trump out in the rain.
26.
"Hahaha. Yeah, I get that a lot. It's Alan, actually"
27.
REPORTER, WALKING UP REGENT ST: one can only imagine what Londoners are thinking now LONDONERS: why is this prick walking SO SLOWLY
28.
How to play: before leaving any office, write a load of absurd bollocks on the whiteboard for the next lot to puzzl… https://t.co/CO2fVyb8hZ
29.
At this time of year, spare a thought for all the tireless volunteers who have to shift the stones forward an hour… https://t.co/DK3wirM1L5
30.
Yes that's a sausage on a model train going back and forth in the butcher's window. #Sheringham
31.
• Buy pack of Waitrose baby wipes. • Open it. • Pull out wipe. • BABY CHEF!
32.
Oh, it walks too? That's....comforting.
33.
Have... have you got any from a cow
34.
Hello, I am from Britain, you know, the one that got tricked by a bus
35.
Another lacklustre effort from Enid Blyton
36.
A very smart friend of mine (@cachoothatswho) pointed out that our cactus print looks exactly like this promo shot… https://t.co/6nXcA8N34Y
37.
fuck off only Weetabix is allowed to be in landscape
38.
Went inty a cake shop. Boy said all cakes £1. A said can a get that one. He said that's £2. A said £2? He said aye that's Madeira cake
39.
my favourite song by The Smiths
40.
Theresa canny handle Scottish hash.
41.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a "quiet, well-mannered country" that "kept itself to itself".
42.
"And that is why I have decided to accept an invitation to become Angela Merkel's cat" #Article50
43.
wow I must have missed the announcement when minimum wage was raised to £93 million an hour thanks Theresa May knew… https://t.co/TZtdEL1V2z
44.
Britain 2017.