Pretty simple, these people hop on Facebook or Twitter time to time to stay in touch. Offer casual conversation and provide updates that keep you in the loop but don’t cross the line into the overly annoying. No harm, no foul. See, this isn’t so bad. [If you are K-I-T add 10 points]
This one’s pretty simple, too. If you are sharing waaaaay too much of your life on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc., then you’re T-M-I. It really isn’t the number of status updates or Tweets you’re posting, it’s the content that is alarming and/or completely annoying. You can typically separate the sane from the batshit crazy when picking out the T-M-I’s because you’re nuts to share with everyone thoughts and feelings that, before the invent of Facebook, you wouldn’t have shared, especially with casual acquaintances or perfect strangers. Social networking has truly given the insane the soapbox they’ve always wanted, and boy, are they using it! I have to say, I follow a few individuals just to see what word vomit is going to spew out of their mouths next. I’m soooo close to deleting them but I can’t. It’s like trying to get off crack, shit’s hard to do. Here are a few gems from my “friends”: Crazy Relationship Yo-Yoer: So it’s not gonna be easy, It’s gonna be really hard, We’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that cuz I want you. I want all of you, forever you and me, everyday. Will you do sumthn for me, please,picture your life for me 30,40 yrs from now, What’s it look like? If it’s not with me, Go I lost you. Preggers: Woke up on my right side with the baby’s butt and backside protuding, I could cup my hand around it! I was like whhhhaaaAAAt?? Drama Queen: Really IS allergic to bullshit and am running away from a MOUND of it as quick as I can! OMFG. Daddy Issues: I can always count on my parents to be the most classless disgusting fucked up people I have ever heard of in my life! gross!! [If you are T-M-I subtract 5 points]
Your life isn’t very exciting so you find yourself stalking others to fulfill the void. You know it’s more socially acceptable to check out what folks are doing online than peering through their living room window like George McFly. [If you are The Creeper subtract 5 points]
The Relationship Creeper
I’m totally going to admit to this one and I don’t care! Social networking has made getting over a significant other pure hell! Before all this nonsense you’d break up with or get broken up with someone, and even if it was hard, you moved on. It was much easier to detach oneself from the other. At the most you deleted their phone number and email account and did your best not to stalk them George McFly-style. Yeah, it was hard but they weren’t in your face. Well, not so easy now my friends. Facebook, MySpace and others has made it so much harder to get over someone. If you remain “friends” with them you’re pretty much telling your ex to kick you in the balls repeatedly and swiftly. Go ahead, post that picture of you shoving your tongue down new boyfriend’s throat. Ah, I see by your status that you and Billy will be in Cancun for the next month…greaaaat! You get the picture. And even if you delete their friendship with you there’s always an urge to go backdoor through a mutual friend’s account. Hey, can I log onto your account to see what Susie’s up to? No, I’m not a stalker! [If you are The Relationship Creeper subtract 5 points]
Deep Sea Fisherman
“Wow.” “Well, I didn’t expect that.” “OMG! Greatest…day…ever!!!” “FML.” Yeah, these people are trying to lure you in hook, line and sinker. Instead of telling us what’s on their mind they bait you to ask. Here are my two theories about Deep Sea Fisherman: Theory #1: They want to build up a quality wall post of comments, “Likes,” and whatnot to feel important. Hell, I’ve seen wall post streams go on for miles with concerned friends who don’t know exactly what they should be concerned about! What’s really annoying is when the Deep Sea Fisherman doesn’t even reveal the specifics of the cryptic posting. This is even more upsetting to The Creepers. Theory #2: They are incredibly insecure and need to prove it to themselves and everyone else that, yes, people do like them. These people are really sad by the way, I truly mean it. Never before has it been easier to gain sympathy from others. [If you are Deep Sea Fisherman subtract 5 points]
This person is tuned into what’s going on in the world, allowing you to take a laissez-faire approach to consuming news. Why spend all day jumping from site to site tuning into one of those GAWD awful news stations when you can be in the know with your Human Newsfeed friend. And with the advent of bit.ly, tinyurl and others, sharing news in the social networking space has never been easier. I should also note that it’s not only hard news that makes a Human Newsfeed valuable. If you share VALUABLE personal news and experiences, product preferences, movie reviews, etc., you’re a Human Newsfeed. [If you are Human Newsfeed add 15 points]
There’s a fine line between posting personal pictures on Facebook or utilizing Twitter apps like TwitPic, and publishing your personal US Weekly issue. If you think back to the beginning of Facebook and MySpace (remember Friendster?), it was somewhat acceptable to take a picture of yourself using a webcam and posting it to your page. Maybe you didn’t have a digital camera to upload your vacation pics. Also, we were all trying to feel out how to identify oneself in this brave new world. Well, those times are over. The need to post numerous pouty face pictures is incredibly vain and self-absorbed. It really bad living in Los Angeles. I can’t count how many glamour shots I’ve seen posted on Facebook. Worst part is you never knew what you were getting, i.e. DON’T GO ON A BLIND DATE WITH SOMEONE WHO ONLY POSTS GLAMOUR SHOTS! [If you are Personal Paparazzi subtract 5 points - Disclaimer: If you get PAID to model or act it is acceptable to post numerous shots of oneself and you do not have to deduct points. Just don’t overdo it!]
Mayor of the Universe
This is a newer social networker thanks to the awesomely annoying application, http://foursquare.com/ and being able to “check in” via Facebook and Yelp. For those who aren’t familiar with Foursquare, it’s a game allowing users to earn points by “checking in” at locations they visit. The more times you visit a location and check in the more badass you are, earning badges and earning titles like “mayor” for that given location. Of course, you have zero political power at your local Starbucks but I digress. What I find uber annoying about Foursquare is that you can alert followers on Twitter and Facebook when you’ve checked in. I don’t know why they think I’d care that they somewhere I’m not, and on top of it, it seems like a very dangerous way to get robbed. If I know you’re working out at 24 Hour Fitness then why not take a trip to your apartment and steal your dog? I’m not a thief, I’m must sayin’. I also don’t understand why’d you want to “check in” at work. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like announcing when I get to work. I want to get in, relax and organize my day before announcing to the world that I’m there. Of course, this is coming from an unemployed guy so I digress. Possibly the worst/best thing about Foursquare is there’s a way to turn off alerts!!! Yes, those playing Foursqauare don’t have to announce where they are every waking moment of the day to play the game. Now that you know that aren’t you exponentially peeved? [If you are Mayor of the Universe subtract 5 points; Subtract 0 points if you’ve disarmed the alert function.]
The brilliant thing about social networking is people all over the world have gotten PAID by it, directly or indirectly. Think about the folks who brought us FarmVille (more on that later) and the millions of other apps, games and whatnot. Bloggers like Perez Hilton have gained fame and fortune. This is America, baby! Companies and individuals not directly related to social networking have also prospered. Every large business has a page on Facebook or a Twitter handle, connecting to its consumer and small businesses have grown solely because of social networking. In Los Angeles, I saw how social networking worked greatly in the “scene.” Club promoters can now easily mobilize thousands of their followers to the hottest club, event, etc. And guess what? They’re going to get a nice cut from those events. Cha ching! I don’t hate Moguls, which leads me to the next social networker… [If you are The Mogul add 5 points and more money in your pocket. Play on, playa!]
This social networker drives me bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S, bananas! I saw The Groupie thrive in Los Angeles, particularly followers of said club promotors. The Groupie, usually female, stalks a high-profile social networker, in this case a club promotor, and “Likes,” comments, tags mutual photos, does whatever she can to suck up, impress or associate oneself with that person. It impresses me how quickly they can do it to. Like a viper striking its prey. What’s great is they’ll comment positively at anything. Promotor can write, “I think all LA girls are whores,” and he’ll get Groupie responses like, “Haha, lol, sooooooo true!” or “Remember when we were at Les Deux and you called me a whore? Love it!” Again, not hating the playa, hating the game. Here’s a real life example from someone I follow on Facebook. I kid you not: Club Promoter: Turning down more pussy than Brody Jenner! “Liked” by four individuals, one being female. And three comments. * Female comment #1: Haha! Princess is picky these days! * Female comment #2: Oh please! (Editor note: you know he’s banged her) * Male comment #3: That’s my boy!!!! Some people just don’t understand a “REAL PLAYAH!” Wow, I mean, wow! Again, for The Mogul to post something like that takes some balls but you can’t hate him. I mean, you can, but that’s beside the point. What’s mind-boggling is he wrote something like that and got love back. [If you are The Groupie subtract 5 points]
The Social Slut
This one’s pretty obvious. You make it your job to gather up as many friends as possible on Facebook, MySpace, etc. giving not a damn whether or not they’re really friends of yours. You have spent hours in front of your computer “friending” people based on their profile pictures. You’ve gone back to your high school’s group and friended everyone, whether you knew them in school or not. You clean out your list of friends and still have 500+. Someone I follow on Facebook had this funny exchange with a fellow friend: Social Slut: Social Slut’s friends list is now 340 people lighter…Let’s hope his newsfeed has less redundant messages about dinner plans, workouts, random quotes, and vague statements regarding emotional states… Friend Comment: And you still have 562 friends. That puts you in the “social whore” category. Enough said. Now, there’s a fine line here that I’ll let you argue. If you know someone at ANY level is it OK to friend them? I’d say, yes. Secondly, Twitter is off limits. It’s OK to follow or have someone follow you that you don’t know. That’s sort of the point. As one person put it, “Facebook is who you went to school with, Twitter is who you wished you went to school with.” [If you are The Social Slut subtract 5 points]
The Farming Mobster Poker Player
FarmVille, Mafia Wars, Zoo World, Lucky Slots! Facebook has been inundated with a plethora of these social networking games that are infiltrating the site like a plague. Here’s the thing, I’m totally cool with the games. If you want to spend hours at a time harvesting Uncommon Brown Mystery Eggs with your fellow farmers, then so be it, but why do I need to know about it!? I get it, companies like Zynga have made a boat load of money developing these games and they’re smart in that John Q Public who’s on Facebook and not playing the game are getting advertised to when their friends are killing off mobsters. Well, enough is enough! I finally disabled the applications on my account and no more annoying updates. Free at last! by the way, it’s easy, just visit the game’s application page on Facebook and choose “Block Application” on the left hand side. I appreciate the companies for allowing the functionality. Thank you! [If you are The Farming Mobster Poker Player subtract 5 points]
What’s Your Social Networking Rating?
Alright, now that you’ve calculated your social networking worth what are you?
Social Networking Super Star [30-25 Points]
People love you, they really love you. You get it. You know how the play the game and succeed. Well done!
Social Networking Social Climber [24-20 Points]
Sounds worse than it is. You’re climbing that social networking ladder. You’ve had some bumps in the road. Maybe too many glamour shots or “Likes” in your day, but overall, people tolerate you and love having you part of their network.
Social Networking Eye Roller [19-15 Points]
You do/say/post things that make your social network’s eyes roll. Your friends keep you around because they’re loyal but casual acquaintances and strangers have already deleted you. Have you notice the sudden drop in friends?
Social Networking Head Case [14-10 Points]
Friends are really starting to question why they follow you. More than likely it’s for their own twisted enjoyment. Remember they’re laughing at you, not…
Social Networking Case Study [9-5 Points]
In 50 years when sociologists study the rise and fall of social networking they will look at you as once of its major problems.
Social Networking Stop [4-negative 15 Points]
Just unplug the computer and get rid of the smart phone.
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