Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle magazine, Goop, is all about bringing Hollywood glamour and excess to our own little lives. goop.com / Via goop.com Yes, that's a clutch that says "BALLER." Why not? And it's just not Christmas on the internet without one of Goop's insane gift guides. goop.com / Via goop.com Gwyneth and the staff of Goop are here to make sure you don't give ~normal-person~ gifts this Christmas. Instead, get one of these things: 1. For when you want to look whimsical and carefree, but can't be caught actually eating, a Virginia Sin Porcelain Cone for $24. goop.com / Via goop.com I dunno about you, but I've never eaten an ice cream cone slowly enough to have this problem. 2. To show how concerned you are for a friend's safety, here's an airbag helmet for $325: goop.com / Via goop.com Get them an inflatable bike helmet. Don't worry about their social life. They can handle that themselves. 3. To help make it easy to drink responsibly this season, get a $50 water glass: goop.com / Via goop.com Did you know? You don't have to just drink cocktails from cocktail glasses. You can ALSO drink WATER from them! 4. If you can afford to spend a lil' more on the person who has everything, then this $416.25 butt table should do the trick: goop.com / Via goop.com They definitely don't have this. 5. If you don't want to spend ~too much~ on the person who has everything, this $40 tassel keychain should hit the spot: goop.com / Via goop.com I BET they haven't got a $40 neon blue tassel! 6. If a frame from Things Remembered just won't do, this $795 table tray is more than perfect: goop.com / Via goop.com If you *really* love the people you're getting gifts for, then quit slumming it at the mall and order a $795 tray already! 7. For when you can't get caught with just any old iPad cover, how about a $700 perforated iPad clutch? goop.com / Via goop.com "Excuse me, this is a perforated clutch, I'll have you know." 8. They probably don't have this either, but why not gift them with a super-exclusive erotic theatre club membership? goop.com / Via goop.com Since SNCTM is an application-only "erotic theatre club" just outside Beverly Hills, it's probably safe to say that this falls into the rubric of "If you have to ask, you can't afford it." 9. For when the sound of one hand clapping is ~so 2015~, gift your BFF with a limited-edition, $75 Goop candle: goop.com / Via goop.com Note to self: Don't forget to smell your feelings. 10. To get those hypochondriac guests to go away, scrape up your pocket change for a $55 bottle of sun potion: goop.com / Via goop.com Or, to get really turned on if you're into anaphylaxis. 11. For when you want to show that YOU are the master of hosting, definitely buy this $50 instructional manual for whoever is throwing your local holiday party: goop.com / Via goop.com To be clear: This gift, an instructional book about reviving the art of hosting, is suggested for "The Host." 12. To help make room for guests (but not the easily tongue-tied), this $375 throw should do the trick: goop.com / Via goop.com Wait, what?! No, ROLL-up THROW bed, not THROW-up ROLL bed. (You'd have to rearrange the words that way before it described MY overnight guests, but... ) 13. Gift your little ones with an $80 Sriracha Plush, because a set of Frozen dolls is so cliché: goop.com / Via goop.com It's only fair that you let your new-parent friends know that you're gonna judge the hell out of them if they feed McJaqsyn a plain chicken nugget. 14. To teach children about the '80s, I highly suggest this $68 swimmable mermaid tail: goop.com / Via goop.com "Kids these days! Ariel and Aquamarine are posers. Sit down here and let me tell you something about Madison. Now back in my day... " (Also: Of course it's a Hampton mermaid tail. Can't be seen with one of those Hilton Head or Stone Harbor mermaid tails.) 15. If all else fails, just calm the hell down with a $35 instructional book from Gwyn herself, y'know, because reading her free website isn't good enough: goop.com / Via goop.com IT'S ALL EASY, OKAY? It's RIGHT THERE in the title. Would Gwyneth lie to you? Seriously, just relax. 16. To give a big ol' middle finger to those concert festival campers who think they're so great in their Coleman, swipe up one of these $8,300 festival yurts instead: goop.com / Via goop.com You know what, though? I can't hate on this one, just because "yurt" is really fun to say. Seriously, say it to yourself, right now: "Yurt." Neat, isn't it? Now stop. Someone's gonna walk by and see you muttering "Yurt. Yurt." to yourself. 17. Oh, and only a true friend would gift another with a $199 pelvic exercise tracker, AKA a tracker you shove up your vag for ultimate workout trackage: goop.com / Via goop.com DO YOU EVEN LIFT, SIS? Did you know you can sign up for a BuzzFeed account and create your own Community posts? Get started here!