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    A Black Spot On The Sidewalk

    Experts believe the black spots on the sidewalk are merely old gum, spit from humans. RJ Thieneman believes they are something else.

    A Black Spot on the Sidewalk

    An Open Letter to the World, by RJ Thieneman

    The black spots all over the ground are not, I repeat, not gum. There are entirely too many spots. It hurts my soul to think thousands upon millions, even billions, of pedestrians are haphazardly spitting their gum upon our helpless sidewalks. Call me an optimist, but have we really forced ourselves to walk on gum, when we are also responsible for walking on the Moon?

    Now that we have that out of the way, I'd like to provide a few clear explanations for the mass amount of black spots covering sidewalks across America. The way I see it, these spots could be one of four things.

    1.Oil

    Most of these black spots can be found in alleyways and behind disgusting restaurants and taverns. When the delivery of oil and grease for the French fry machines comes each week, I assume the bags of oil carried by burly men can, and often do, leak. When the oil leaks out, it pools in natural sidewalk craters and forms into these small dots. Over time, the dots of oil harden and we get the black spots that you see today. Not gum, but rather circles of trans fats, or as I call them, orphaned calories.

    2.Tar from the Ocean

    Bear with me… A good friend of mine once discovered in the shower that his genitals were covered in ocean tar. It took him hours to make this unique discovery, and from what I hear, it took just as long to get it off. So, considering that a grown man can't even detect ocean tar on the most sensitive spot on his body, wouldn't it be safe to assume that all living things carry this tar without noticing? Humans, birds, dogs all most likely carry the ocean tar. Chances are, we also most likely shed it, just like skin and hair, which collects on the sidewalks. Gross? No. It's science.

    3.Fossilized Marshmallows

    Campfires are a symbol of beauty. Back in the old days they were a resource of necessity, providing warmth, light, cooking, and heat… for warmth. Today, we can find reminders of these ancient flames between buildings where people would travel from fire to fire. As they walked, they would carry marshmallows, the dessert of choice for roasting over a fire. It's also common knowledge that these ancient humans didn't have baskets or bags, so they would have no choice but to carry the marshmallows in large quantities by hand, thus spilling them at random all over the path. Over time, these marshmallows fossilized into the black spots we step on today. They serve as relics of a much simpler, and messier time.

    4.Loose Change

    It's common knowledge that paper is the superior form of currency. For example, the USA uses paper for any relevant quantity of money while Canada uses coins. We can safely assume that anyone walking the wealthy American streets has plenty of paper bills, so, when they get change at Abercrombie the only option is to discard of it on the sidewalk. Over time, that change collects dirt, dust, and radioactive materials from the sun, thus fossilizing itself into small black spots.

    After reading and re-reading my thesis, I have concluded that I am correct. But if you have a better explanation, I encourage you to attempt and change my mind, even though you wont… because you are wrong. Thank you.