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    Green Day Albums Reviewed By Random Useless Criteria (Hire Me Rolling Stone)

    Hard-hitting journalism about God's Favorite Band to last us until the Hella Mega Tour

    The Criteria:

    1. % Bangers (does not = “% Good Songs” all Bangers are Good Songs but not all Good Songs are Bangers)

    2. Amount of Billie Joe Writing About His Beloved Wife Adrienne

    3. # of Times I Said “Guys WTF” While Listening

    4. Powerful Women Quotient

    5. Do I Like the Album Art

    6. Were the Guys Hot at This Point

    7. Riley’s Favorite Underrated Bop

    1039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hours

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    Mickey Estes / Via youtube.com

    I read all about the people saying Green Day Sold Out and Weren’t Real Punks Anymore and I thought damn, if sellouts wrote Insomniac, how edgy were these kids before? Then I discovered this delightful thing! It’s like the first Taylor Swift album, with exciting guitar solos.

    1. % Bangers: higher if you’re in the mood for songs that’d fit in indie teen rom-coms. Which I always am.

    2. Adrienne Songs: None (they hadn’t met yet)

    3. Guys WTF: The bonus track where they’re talking to the blandest DJ ever I mean who put him on air. also the album title.

    4. Powerful Women: Again, these girls are rom-com types. Valid if not powerful.

    5. Album Art: I want her outfit.

    6. Hotness: High school Riley would not have shut up about these kids, being as they are SEVERAL steps up from her usual “dude who likes Green Day” in cuteness and also in proximity to Green Day.

    7. Underrated Bop: I have no concept of what counts as underrated (aside from “the whole album”) but The Judge’s Daughter (starts at 14:29) is cute as frick.

    Kerplunk

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    Green Day / Via youtube.com

    If you took a mathematical average of 1039 and Dookie, you’d find Kerplunk right in the middle. It’s not my favorite of favorites, but by golly I’d be sad if it wasn’t around.

    1. % Bangers: Over half for sure

    2. Adrienne Songs: She’s here! She’s amazing! I love her! So does Billie Joe!

    3. Guys WTF: Can you imagine minding your own business in 1991, thinking “Gee, my favorite band got a new drummer, I wonder what he’s like” and four songs in, here he is singing a country song about BDSM?

    4. Powerful Women: Adrienne is here! I said it already but it’s still exciting!

    5. Album Art: Album-cover-girl should count in the powerful women quotient

    6. Hotness: At this point Mike looks exactly like a friend of mine, which is not bad, just unnerving. Also, hail the advent of young Tré!

    7. Underrated Bop: The original Welcome to Paradise that sounds like it was recorded in somebody’s unfinished basement laundry room

    Dookie

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    Green Day / Via youtube.com

    I hate admitting that the album everyone’s obsessed with is as good as they say, cause I like to be Different, but like. Sometimes everyone’s right.

    1. % Bangers: I should be pickier but they all slap.

    2. Adrienne Songs: He was with Amanda while writing this, which is fINE I GUESS. Truly the Jim and Karen era of Green Day.

    3. Guys WTF: I’m glad I know the context of Pulling Teeth cause otherwise...Also wtf is All by Myself. Why does this happen every time we let Tré sing.

    4. Powerful Women: As soon as I call this band feminist icons somebody’s gonna get mad but She is peak allyship

    5. Album Art: Way too complicated to cross stitch. 2/10

    6. Hotness: I’m not proud of admitting I think they’re hot in this era but I picked the category so oops

    7. Underrated Bop: SHE. Underrated only in how much it’s a feminist anthem

    Insomniac

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    Green Day / Via youtube.com

    I’m not quite angry enough, like, as a person, to sustain a whole album of this Mood. I also think it’s hilarious that the darkest album they’ve got comes partly from the frontman’s new baby not shutting up and letting him sleep ever. Thank you Joey Armstrong.

    1. % Bangers: almost too high cause there’s no time to rest between and appreciate em individually.

    2. Adrienne Songs: Maybe if he talked about her more the album wouldn’t feel so bleak.

    3. Guys WTF: Who is Bab? Also. I didn’t know you were allowed to just, like, say “methamphetamine” in a real people song

    4. Powerful Women: Right near the end of the album, here comes Adrienne moving cross country to start a new life!

    5. Album Art: It gives me antique-thrift-store vibes not in a bad way?

    6. Hotness: Before I answer this I wanna know how autobiographical Geek Stink Breath was.

    7. Underrated Bop: Westbound Sign

    nimrod

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    Green Day / Via youtu.be

    I keep forgetting this is an album even though I love the songs. So maybe not greater than the sum of its parts, but that doesn’t discount that the parts are pretty great.

    1. % Bangers: The album is longer to fit them all.

    2. Adrienne Songs: If I was keeping up on their relationship via these songs (like I do with Taylor Swift) Redundant would be sad and concerning. It’s nicer listening from here, where I know they work it out.

    3. Guys WTF: KING! FOR! A! DAY!

    4. Powerful Women: The most powerful woman in this album is Billie Joe in King for a Day

    5. Album Art: It totally fits Good Riddance, and so probably fooled a lot of moms who liked that nice time of your life song and wanted to hear more from that nice band.

    6. Hotness: The questionable 1998 menswear outweighs anything their faces are doing.

    7. Underrated Bop: Take Back (BJA pls write more metal-adjacent songs)

    Warning

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    Green Day / Via youtu.be

    I like to think this album is chiller because Billie Joe’s kids are finally old enough that he can get some freakin sleep. You can kinda see why it didn’t blow up like the early stuff. On the other hand? Everyone in 2000 was a butthead with no taste and they’re missing out.

    1. % Bangers: More Than the Lackluster Sales Figures Would Have You Believe

    2. Adrienne Songs: Church on Sunday is weirdly accurate at telling me what I want to hear so of course I love it.

    3. Guys WTF: the first 8 seconds of Blood Sex and Booze (also Church on Sunday comes right after the BDSM song and I have to switch moods WAY too quick)

    4. Powerful Women: See “Guys WTF”

    5. Album Art: Where’s the Recognizable Imagery? They just walkin.

    6. Hotness: Whoever let Billie Joe shave his head before the Macy’s Day Parade video should be smacked with a stop sign.

    7. Underrated Bop: I keep talking about Church on Sunday so I’ll throw in Castaway (which has the same plot as Boulevard of Broken Dreams but he’s happier about the whole thing)

    American Idiot

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    youtube.com

    If I’d started listening to Green Day at the “angry bored kids smoke and jack off” albums, I don’t know that I’d have been as enchanted. HOWEVER. I started here. The narrative! The guyliner!! The sheer theatricality!!! Of course I was hooked.

    1. % Bangers: ALL OF EM

    2. Adrienne Songs: 0 (boo)

    3. Guys WTF: Rock and Roll Girlfriend. I’m picking on Tré at this point but he kinda deserves it

    4. Powerful Women: When Whatsername finally opens her mouth she burns this whole place down.

    5. Album Art: Iconic and so cross-stitchable.

    6. Hotness: (There’s a reason I watched Bullet in a Bible multiple times I’m just sayin)

    7. Underrated Bop: Letterbomb from the musical cast album, Letterbomb as it was meant to be heard: face-meltingly belted by a fed-up, pissed-off woman.

    21st Century Breakdown

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    Green Day / Via youtu.be

    When American Idiot feels too familiar but I still want Green Day at their rock-opera-iest, I come here for solace. Once it gets the stage treatment, trust I’ll be right there singing East Jesus Nowhere like I’m not the most earnest religious girl you know.

    1. % Bangers: all of em. by golly they did it again.

    2. Adrienne Songs: I want Last Night on Earth played at my wedding.

    3. Guys WTF: very consistent. weirdness at a minimum

    4. Powerful Women: I don’t know what half the imagery about Gloria means but I want to be her. She also sings more than Whatsername so thumbs up for that.

    5. Album Art: Solid and Respectable.

    6. Hotness: they’re so pretty. I mean what the hell. They’re SO pretty.

    7. Underrated Bop: Static Age

    Uno/Dos/Tre

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    Green Day / Via youtu.be

    Listening to the trilogy is sorta like the birthday party from Iron Man 2, where you’re like “hey buddy you good?” and Tony is like “yeah I’m having a great party” and you’re like “ok” but ten minutes later he’s Reckoning with his Life Choices. It is a great party though.

    1. % Bangers: More Than The Bitch Ass Reviewers Would Have You Believe

    2. Adrienne Songs: A couple cute ones, too few in proportion to the fictional one-night-stand songs

    3. Guys WTF: Fuck Time, Nightlife, Kill the DJ, Troublemaker, the Stray Heart music video, and Nightlife again for lyrics. Also? They did a song for Breaking Dawn pt 2?

    4. Powerful Women: Adie’s here, Amanda is back, Amy Winehouse gets a song (what is it with names that start with A?)

    5. Album Art: Mike looks like Ron from A Very Potter Musical? I like the aesthetic tho.

    6. Hotness: At some point here Mike has Bieber hair and I know everyone did for the first half of the decade but boi.

    7. Underrated Bop: Okay Nightlife tho it’s straight-up bizarre but it’s kinda vibey

    Revolution Radio

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    Green Day / Via youtu.be

    Proof that you can rock as hard as the kids without pretending you still are one. My dad’s favorite bands still tour and kill the game in their 70s, and if this is what Green Day is up to in their 40s, I don’t doubt they’ve got the same longevity. Hell yes middle-aged rock stars.

    1. % Bangers: 60/40 but Bang Bang goes SO HARD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW

    2. Adrienne Songs: Youngblood only gets cuter when you listen to 80 first and realize damn he’s still this in love thirty years in. Lord, send me such a man.

    3. Guys WTF: none except the wtf of how rad a comeback this is

    4. Powerful Women: My favorite thing about how Billie Joe writes women is you have no idea what they look like but you know exactly how they kick ass (I’m talking about Youngblood again I love that song)

    5. Album Art: Some idiot on the internet called it “dated” but an on-fire podcast would have looked stupid.

    6. Hotness: We’re done talking about hotness cause they give off too many dad vibes now. Badass good-looking rock dad vibes, but dads nonetheless.

    7. Underrated Bop: Ordinary World guys it’s so cute

    Father of All Motherfuckers

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    Green Day / Via youtu.be

    People are already mad? As if our boys haven’t reinvented their sound every other album since ‘97? Just chill for two seconds and dance and appreciate Billie Joe’s dumb sunglasses.

    1. % Bangers: Nothing is long enough to not be a banger. A good system.

    2. Adrienne Songs: Alas none.

    3. Guys WTF: That phase where Mike wore Sharpie-drawn mustaches to televised awards shows. Stab You in the Heart was so boppy I was shocked by it being a murder song, but that’s on me for ignoring that it was called STAB YOU IN THE HEART.

    4. Powerful Women: All hail the Joan Jett sample.

    5. Album Art: An irreverent riff on a classic. V entertaining.

    6. Hotness I Mean Dad Vibes: In their own words: “And Fall Out Boy -- they’re our children.” I think the Armstrongs have adopted Billie Eilish too.

    7. Underrated Bop: It’s too soon to say what’s underrated, but I’m obsessed with Sugar Youth so we’ll call it there.