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21 Slightly Annoying Things America Gets Wrong About Football

And by football...we mean football.

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America, we need to talk about football.

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You clearly have some of the greatest, maddest fans in the world.

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"Did you bring your chainsaw this week, Bill?"

"Yeah, it's in my bag, with the other dangerous weapons."

But – and sorry about this – you're just getting a few things very, very slightly wrong.

ESPN / Via youtube.com

Being British, usually we wouldn't say anything. But if you're going to be better than us at a sport that we invented, you might as well get it right.

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1. Firstly, it's not the BPL...

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2. It's also not called the EPL...

Excuse our French – we're British.
Mike Hewitt / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Excuse our French – we're British.

3. You didn't watch the "game" at the weekend,

Children play games.
Oli Scarff / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Children play games.

4. It's not a "stadium", or an "arena", it's a ground. It just is.

AFP / Yasuyoshi Chiba

5. And your "squad" didn't win at the weekend,

Glyn Kirk / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

6. If you want to be even MORE correct, ask someone how their side got on at the weekend.

Look how much fun it is to watch football in Britain.
Martin Elliot / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Look how much fun it is to watch football in Britain.

7. Actually, fuck it, just ask them this exact phrase:

Ian Kington / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

8. You NEVER "hit a shot on frame"...

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

9. It's not "a good decision by the referee", it's a...

Bloody great shout, ref.
Scott Heavey / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Bloody great shout, ref.

10. The ref is still a wanker, obviously... but apparently you knew that already.

View this video on YouTube

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11. It's never "zero–zero", it's "nil–nil", and there's nothing wrong with a hard-fought nil–nil with no shots on target.

"What happened in the match?""Nothing whatsoever.""Sounds good."
Gary M.Prior / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

"What happened in the match?"

"Nothing whatsoever."

"Sounds good."

12. It's not a "head-shot" it's a header.

It just is.
Getty Images / BuzzFeed

It just is.

13. And what the hell is the "Upper Ninety"...? THE UPPER NINETY?!

Chris Brunskill / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

"Top corner" is the phrase you are looking for.

14. It's not the "goal frame". Come on, this is so obvious and logical...

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15. Cleats? Nah... boots.

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16. It's a kit, not a "uniform". A uniform is when everyone wears the same thing, like in...

Fuck.
Stuart Macfarlane / Getty Images

Fuck.

17. But it's DEFINITELY not a "field". It's a pitch. You know what lives on a field?

Unlike cows, footballers don't shit all over the pitch.Well, actually, apart from that one time...
Thomas Trutschel / Photothek / Getty Images / BuzzFeed

Unlike cows, footballers don't shit all over the pitch.

Well, actually, apart from that one time...

18. Tim Howard isn't a "goaltender", he isn't a "goalie", he isn't even really a "goalkeeper". He's just a...

Getty / BuzzFeed

19. And it's not a "goalkeeper punt", it's just a "goal kick", because you are kicking the ball in the opposite direction to the goal, get it?

Good.
Glyn Kirk / AFP / Getty Images

Good.

20. This is not a "wall pass", it's a "one-two".

youtube.com

We're inventive with our phrases.

21. And finally, it's not "soccer", it's "football". What kind of idiotic nation would invent a term like soccer...

Sorry, America.Love from the UK.
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Sorry, America.

Love from the UK.