1. Right, time to do some deforestation.
2. ON MY BODY. Hahahahah.
3. Someone please help me, this is going to take forever.
4. And not five minutes like those bloody TV adverts with all of the lithe, hairless women who make it all look easy.
5. The women who shave their already smooth legs and stop at the knee.
6. While here I am staring down at my 3-inch-long black spikes, shaving nonstop all the way up to my fucking eyes.
7. Shit, forgot to buy shaving cream again.
8. Who am I kidding – I've been saying I'll buy shaving cream for the last three years.
9. It's just another way to make us spend more money on "femininity".
10. I should just stop shaving.
11. Besides, I kinda like stroking my leg hairs.
12. And my pubes.
13. But oh, when these bad boys are smooth and shiny it does feel good!
14. Especially when you have a little roll around on your bed afterwards and pretend you're in a sexy commercial.
15. Buy zis perfumeee ooh la la it's called Sexy Legs by moi, Madame sex-a-lot!
16. You really need to savour the moment since everyone knows smooth legs only last for 45 minutes.
17. Oh crap, I've run out of conditioner.
18. I guess I'll use this almost-empty shampoo I bought from the corner shop that's been sitting here for about a year.
19. Wow, this blade is gliding so nicely, this is almost fun!
20. Yet there's still lots of hair left...what the hell?
21. The bloody moisturising pads! Why did I even bother buying a fancy razor?
22. The fancy razors are for the lithe, hairless women, you dumb idiot!
23. Maybe I can just use my housemate's, this looks more way more legit.
24. Sure, it's for a man's beard, but I have a man's beard on me legs, innit?
25. Oh wow, this razor really gives a close shave.
26. Men's razors FTW.
27. Oh my god, my legs have gone from forest to a dolphin's fin!
28. And without a single nic-
29. OK, there are seven rivers of blood flowing down my leg.
30. Maybe don't go in as hard on the other leg, use less force! Let the razor guide thee!
31. WHERE IS ALL THIS BLOOD COMING FROM?
32. OK wow, so now I have lovely smooth legs just with about 18 cuts on them.
33. I can feel I've not done the back properly.
34. Do I really need to bother with the back of my thighs, like who is even going to see that?
35. Yeah I'll leave it.
36. But what if people see? What if they point?!
37. They'll be like oh my god that girl has such lovely shiny legs but the back looks like Chewbacca's arse!
38. Still can't be bothered though.
39. OK time to test the smoothness!
40. Lots of little scabby scabs but otherwise a fairly decent job.
41. That took ages so no time to pretend I'm Rihanna in "Wild Thoughts".
42. The world is waiting to see my legs nekky nekky nekkid.
43. God I'm sexy, and all these wonderful people in the street know it too!
44. Hello DILF with a pram! Good afternoon old lady with the biscuits!
45. I'm high on my post-shave! I'm skipping!
46. Oh my god...wait a minute..is that..is that hair on my toes?
47. I forgot about my toes!
48. This is why I like winter, you don't have to deal with this shaving shit.
49. Oh well, I'm still sexy.