68 Thoughts Everyone Has An Hour Before Lunch
So. F**king. Hungry.
1. What time is it?
2. Bollocks, not lunchtime.
3. But like, when is lunchtime? Who invented lunchtime?
4. I'm so fucking hungry.
5. I can't concentrate so I'm just going to stare at my screen and picture eating burritos.
6. I really should have brought some snacks.
7. Why can't I be like those people who have their shit together?
8. Those people who keep cereal bars in their bag.
9. And almonds on their desk because they read about how a handful is a totally satisfying snack when it's really the shittest snack in the whole entire world.
11. Julia's head looks like a massive potato.
12. A massive, delicious, potatoey potato I could definitely eat right now.
13. I wonder what would happen if I actually took a bite out of her head?
14. HR would love that.
15. Why doesn't HR have snacks?
16. It is Human Resources after all.
17. Who will have snacks?
18. Lynn always has snacks.
19. She's got a five year old, she probably has a multipack of Babybels in her handbag.
20. At least that's what I'm gonna do when I have kids.
21. But they'll actually just be all for myself.
22. I'm going to be a fantastic parent.
23. How do I befriend Lynn in like five minutes so I can eat her snacks?
24. No, better not, she hates me.
25. Cos I'm always trying to befriend her for five minutes so I can eat her snacks.
26. WAIT, I CAN HEAR RUSTLING.
27. WHAT IS IT?
28. WHO HAS FOOD?
29. This is what being a dog must feel like.
30. Fuck sake it's Tom opening his bloody rice cakes.
31. RICE CAKES AREN'T FOOD TOM.
32. What I'll do is, I'll spent this time thinking about what I am going to eat and how gloriously happy I will be in less than an hour.
33. Ok , so, panini? Sandwich? Both? YES.
34. And I'll get it from Pret because they are literally everywhere and now is really not the time to try somewhere different.
35. Ok so that took all of one minute.
36. Just another 42 minutes to go then.
38. Would it really be that weird if I took my lunch now?
39. No, people judge you if you eat lunch before 12.
40. They say, "Why is that person eating lunch before 12? Can they not control themselves?"
41. But I cannot control myself.
42. Maybe if I express how I feel to everyone, then I'll feel better.
43. I will DM everyone: "GUYS I'M SO HUNGRY".
44. I just need a reassuring emoji right now.
45. No one cares apart from Sarah.
46. That is exactly why we are work BFFs.
47. Hungry together.
48. 4 LYFE.
49. Tom is eating another rice cake.
50. He looks so happy, so content.
51. I'm going to give him my hungry, pleading eyes.
52. He's reluctant, but I'm a force to be reckoned with.
53. He knows I'm a monster when I'm hangry.
54. He's suffered at my hands before.
55. Thank you Tom, thank you for saving your life by saving mine.
56. GOD IT TASTES LIKE CARDBOARD.
57. THIS IS THE SADDEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.
58. NOW I'M EVEN HUNGRIER.
59. I just can't work like this.
60. Just ten minutes till acceptable lunch break time.
61. Fuck it I'm out, it will be 12 by the time I get back to my desk anyway.
62. GOD DAMN IT STEVE NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ASK ABOUT MY REPORT.
63. Don't look at my report Steve.
64. My report that says: I AM HUNGRY GOD PLEASE HELP SOMEONE HELP BURRRITOOOOOOO.
65. Also put in some bananas from clip art.
66. Quite good really.
67. I promise I'll be a functioning member of this workforce in one hour.
68. That, or I'll be in a food coma.