1. When you wake up, you'll think you're in your own room.
2. But then you'll notice the person next to you is lying in an arrogant starfish position taking up the entire bed.
3. They will be snoring like a wild animal.
4. Suddenly you'll be aware of how naked you both are.
5. And you'll remember how they took all of the covers from you in the middle of the night.
6. You'll check your phone and find your battery level is at a dangerous 5%.
7. So you'll look for their charger and pray they have an iPhone.
8. They will have an Android.
9. Because of this fact, you will confirm that this is definitely just a one night stand.
10. You'll really, really need a wee.
11. And a poo, but you'll continue to hold that in until you get home.
13. You'll try to get out of bed without disturbing the other person because you don't want them to see you naked in natural light.
14. But they will wake up as soon as you move, and catch you awkwardly trying to cover your private parts.
15. Despite the fact that last night you were both very accustomed to each other's genitals.
16. You'll suddenly have a vague recollection of their finger attempting to go in your bum.
17. And the desperate search for condoms and lube.
18. They'll ask you if you're leaving already and you'll wonder if they want you to stay.
19. You'll say "yeah" and make up some shit you have to do even though you have absolutely nothing to do.
20. They'll say "Cool, well it was fun" and go back to sleep.
21. And you'll resent them for not offering you any breakfast.
22. You'll hop around the room looking for your clothes, tripping over all of the random shit on their floor, and hitting your knee on the corner of their bed.
23. And you'll wake them up again by asking them if they've seen your pants.
24. They haven't.
25. You will find every item of clothing except your pants.
26. And you will consider leaving them behind just to get out ASAP.
27. But then you'll worry about the pants and try frantically to remember what kind you were wearing.
28. It will turn out to be the ugliest pair of white pants.
29. You will remember that one story where a friend of a friend found a one night stand's pants they'd left behind and it how it had embarrassing skid marks.
30. You will remember how much you laughed.
31. You will not stop until you find the pants.
32. When you go to the bathroom you will notice how dirty it is.
33. And they either won't have any toilet roll, handwash, or both.
34. To keep some level of dignity you will brush your teeth with your fingers.
35. But your hair will look like you've been dragged through a bush.
36. You will notice that you smell like a horrible combination of booze, sweat, and sex.
37. Extremely average sex.
38. As you head for the front door you will bump into their housemate.
39. And because you have no idea where the fuck you are, you'll be forced to ask them how to get to the nearest station.
40. When you get to the front door you will not be able to open it.
41. You will fiddle with the door noisily, until your one night stand comes to open it for you.
42. And you'll share a weirdly cute kiss goodbye, like a proper couple, despite knowing you'll never see each other ever again.
43. As you head down the road there will be a old man walking his dog who will stare at you like you're some sort of animal.
44. You will force a smile to convince them you're a normal person.
45. Even though you are completely aware you look quite deranged.
46. The walk to the bus stop will feel like forever.
47. And you will be super conscious of the fact that you're doing the "walk of shame".
48. But you'll decide that it's not a "walk of shame" but a "walk of giving zero fucks".
49. Because you are so hungover and all you really care about is making it to your bed.
50. When you finally get to the bus stop, your bus won't be due for another fifteen minutes.
51. The only other person waiting at the bus stop will be a granny with her shopping bag on wheels.
52. To avoid eye contact with said granny you'll check your Whatsapp messages.
53. Your one night stand will be online.
54. They do not message you.
55. Your phone dies.
56. So you'll spend the next hour trekking across town to get home, wholly aware of how fucking terrible your morning is.
57. But then you'll remember that you got laid.