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18 Awkward Tweets That You'll Only Get If You're Awkward Too

"every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby"


speaking to a customer on the phone there n am that awkward a went 'haha my wee one does the same' WIT WEE ONE?? Wh…


My ex thought I cheated cuz I smelled like a woman & I let her break up w me cuz didn't kno how to tell her I use cucumber melon body wash


Do not bother trying to hook up w me if ur not wearing a long striped nightgown w a matching hat + holding a little plate w a candle on it


My boss overheard me calling my elbows “thirsty boys” while applying lotion and I was immediately let go



i just drove through Harvard’s campus and asked these dudes if they went to Harvard they said yes i said oh ya then what’s 68x2 they said 136 i said dang you rlly do go to Harvard


“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.


Are them instagram polls anonymous or not cause av been voting on whether or not lasses should get sparkly nails


[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me] "What do you mean I already do too much for charity?"


If I was accidentally weird to you once just know I will be thinking about it every night for the next 50 years


every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby


BARISTA: I have a latte ready for "Give me all your money?" ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there's been some confusion


wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well


Free idea for a commercial for queso: a judge tries some inferior queso & says "queso dismissed!" Guys, I'm feeling pretty isolated rn


[Department store] ASSISTANT: What are you looking for? ME: Just even the tiniest fragment of self-respect ASSISTANT: I just meant in here ME: Crocs



day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island day 18: im starting to think that help will never come day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen! day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen


[on phone to gf] her: "you never understand me anymore so.." me: "so what?" her: "we're breaking up" me: "i can hear you fine"

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