1.
Ur weird if ur on holiday n u don't go up to ur hotel room and lay on the bed naked eatin Lays
2.
pay for a landline you never use and get annoyed on the rare occasion it rings
3.
6yo: What’s it like being a grown up? ME: You know that feeling you get when you unwrap a present and it’s not what you wanted?
4.
5.
[first date] "table or booth?" date: table me: we're done here
6.
ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
7.
If you laugh at a kid's joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
8.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
9.
R u ever having like a nice chill night and then u decide to casually check up on someone via social media who ruined your life...
10.
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, "Oh look. Horses."
11.
"Based on a true story" means that the real event happened to a much less attractive person.
12.
ME: *does something stupid* I hope no one saw me do that ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
13.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share] ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day
14.
15.
Adulthood is mostly whispering "For Fucks sake" Every time the phone rings
16.
Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
17.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
18.
*opens recipe* "1. preheat oven to--" *closes recipe*
19.
FACEBOOK: hey remember how you were engaged two years ago ME: no thanks FACEBOOK: your friend's racist ME: ugh FACEBOOK: buy something bitch
20.
Me: Let's pick something on Netflix *years pass,decades pass, cities rise and fall, Bono finally dies* Me: Wait go back to documentaries
21.
*every fireworks show ever* Me: "was that the finale?" Random guy/local firework expert: "oh, you'll know when it's the finale"