1.
[Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
2.
[spelling bee] "Your word is stupid" ME: Well give me a different one then "No, that's your word…stupid" ME: Maybe you're the stupid one
3.
Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh
4.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth [me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
5.
[shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses shark 1: i'm out shark 2: i'm out hammerhead shark: i'm listening
6.
me: [leans in for kiss] robber: quickly but then money
7.
BODY: i'm exhausted BRAIN: neat BODY: let's sleep BRAIN: nah BODY: c'mon BRAIN: a dog named Ralph BODY: BRAIN: can almost say his own name
8.
BARISTA: I have a latte ready for "Give me all your money?" ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there's been some confusion
9.
wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
10.
You're darn right I abuse drugs. I see a drug, I punch the crap out of it. Get lost, drugs.
11.
[wife drops me at the airport] Wife: have a safe flight Me: I have no say in the matter Wife [already driving off]: die then
12.
[moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
13.
[leaving store without bag] Cashier: Forgetting something? "Oh wow, how embarrassing" *walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
14.
imagine having sex and he says "say my name baby" but his name is gilbert
15.
"Look at me, im de captain now"
16.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
17.
*Goldfish 911* Goldfish: What's your emergency? Goldfish: I don't remember Goldfish: Don't remember what? Goldfish: What? Goldfish: What?
18.
[Creating humans] GOD: Make them strong ANGEL: Ok G: smart A: got it G: powerful A: yes G: but terrified of tiny wasps A: love it lol G: lol
19.
[upbeat commercial] Mom: My kids used to give me *quite* the headache! [sets down groceries] Mom: That's why I gave them away