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19 Tweets That Are Funny Because They're Fucking True

"Hand dryers are a great way to waste 5 minutes before I wipe my hand on my jeans."

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1.

Friend: Hey check out this 5 minute YouTube video! Me: *replies 20 seconds later* Amazing. Best video I've ever seen in my entire life tysm

2.

my favorite thing is that evrey single person watching the olympics legitimatley believes "i coud do that if i just trained for like a year"

4.

Getting older is just a slow parade of different body parts going "um, actually"

5.

Hand dryers are a great way to waste 5 minutes before I wipe my hands on my jeans.

6.

In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.

7.

me at age 8: if i eat my lunch quicker i have more time for recess me at age 28: today i will eat lunch at 10:50 and a second lunch at 3:15

8.

1.Not leaving my room 2.Not leaving the house 3.Missing someone's birthday party My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

10.

It's a beautiful day outside! Better move my laptop away from the window so there's no glare on my screen.

11.

If you don't say 'haha' after everything you write, will they even know you're easygoing and breezy?

12.

me, without money: money is the root of all evil. the things u own end up owning u me, with money: ya can i get 20 mcchickens

13.

Every voicemail I leave sounds like English is my second language.

14.

drunk me: I'm tired sober me: I'm tired coffee me: I'm tired cocaine me: I'm tired on fire me: I'm tired

15.

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there's no unexpected item in the bagging area.

16.

Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

18.

The stages of eating pizza 1) I ate way too much 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die 4) Just 3 more slices

19.

When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult

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