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19 Tweets That Are As Real As They Are Fucking Funny

"Have a crush on someone? Throw your phone away!"

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Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls

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Intelligence is accurately knowing how dumb you are

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Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

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Have a crush on someone? Throw your phone away!

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DATE: so are u democrat or republican ME: why don't we save that convo for later haha [googling under the table "what is demmacrat"]

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Waiter: Do you want to take a look at some dessert? Me:

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Emojis have finally made it possible to end a text conversation abruptly without having the other person feel like you want them dead✌🏽💅🏾✌🏽

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[friend asks me to read an article] brain: "am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god" me: [hands it back] "very interesting"

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Me: Finally, bed time. Brain: Hahaha, remember how you could've had a better life by now?

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drunk me: I'm tired sober me: I'm tired coffee me: I'm tired cocaine me: I'm tired on fire me: I'm tired

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*sees a person I hate doing something completely normal and innocuous* I hate that stupid asshole more than ever.

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MR. BRIGHTSIDE IS A LITERAL TIMELESS CLASSIC I WILL BE 90 IN A NURSING HOME AND HEAR "COMING OUTTA MY CAGE" AND CRAWL OUT MY BED AND TURN UP

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I may not be the smartest person at this party but I am petting this dog.

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*lays in bed for 12 hours I guess I'll get up now *walks over to couch & lays down

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