1.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son *son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards* Well, there's always next year
2.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
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Parents: "If only there were a manual for this." Also parents: "How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit."
5.
wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed narrator: But they never did fool around
6.
I'm coaching my son's soccer team because it's important that he knows I'll swear at other kids, too.
7.
"I want a snack." - my kids, while they're eating
8.
my 10yr old is doing laundry & I'm truly proud of her but also on the verge of a panic attack because she's folding my shirts the wrong way
9.
"I just think it's weird that you have so much white hair. That's kind of a grandma thing." -7yo, and current least favorite child
10.
Parenting: 1st kid: Document their every move 2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
11.
Someone drew doughnuts on the bottom of the grocery list My wife thought it was cute so she bought them She doesn… https://t.co/iD8DluKsO2
12.
IF YOU KIDS DON'T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
13.
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
14.
My kids wanted a karaoke machine for Christmas-little did I know it would be for yelling in the mic "CAN WE HAVE A SNACK" when I'm upstairs.
15.
[building a snowman with my kids] Me: Ok, who wants to put the arms in? Kids: *went inside 2 hours ago to play video games*
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7yo: Daddy, have some pee juice! *throws cup full of liquid at me Me: 7yo: Me: 7yo: It wasn't really pee Me: Thank you
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A parenting rite of passage is getting caught throwing away Happy Meal toys as they sing from their grave bc you didn't turn the sound off.
19.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch? Husband: 4: 7: Me: Well... 7: It really could have been any of us. 4: (licks couch)
20.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
21.
Why I should accomplish all my goals today: 1) I'm motivated. 2) I'm ambitious. 3) I planned ahead. Why I won’t: 1) Kids