79 Thoughts Every Woman Has While Having Their Period At Work
I'm just going to go cry in the toilets about absolutely nothing.
1. Why do I have to be here?
2. You shouldn't have to work on your period.
3. I mean, I've just walked into work clutching my stomach as if I've been stabbed.
4. I have been stabbed though. IN MY UTERUS.
5. Don't mind me everyone, I'll just be here all day, bleeding at my desk.
8. I need a doughnut.
9. Or some cake.
10. It's only 10am though, can't eat cake.
11. Or can I?
12. Fuck it I'm on my period I deserve to eat whatever I want.
13. AND IF ANYONE DARES TO REMIND ME OF MY DIET I SWEAR TO GOD.
14. Right, going on a delicious snack hunt round the office.
15. There's bound to be some cake Debra's made.
16. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE THE ONE TIME DEBRA DOESN'T BAKE.
17. I am not going to survive this if I don't get something sugary and delicious in me ASAP.
18. Ugh I feel like my arse is sweating.
19. Do I need to change my pad already? Jesus.
20. Time to take my entire purse to the toilet and let everyone know MY WOMB IS DYING.
21. No Dan, I am not getting coffee.
22. No Dan, seriously don't come with, I am NOT getting coffee.
23. DAN I NEED TO STICK A TAMPON UP MY FUCKING BLEEDING VAGINA CAN YOU PLEASE JUST FUCK OFF.
24. Oh great, I didn't even bring a spare pad or tampon after all.
25. Now I'm going to have to DM someone and do the secret pad exchange handshake.
26. We really should have a secret lady cupboard.
27. Or not so secret, why do I have to hide my period anyway?
28. The men, that's why.
29. Why do we save them from being uncomfortable, I mean in the grand scheme of things we are so much more uncomfortable.
30. I should be allowed to say to my colleagues: "Don't bother me today, I'm miserable because I am being made to sit in my own bloody sludge all day whilst I do work."
31. Maybe then Andrew won't keep asking me why the report is taking ages.
32. I'd love to see him fix 10 different Excel formulas whilst bleeding from his asshole.
33. God everything is so...squidgy.
34. This chair is not helping.
35. Oh thank god, several of the girls have pads – thank you menstrual synchrony.
36. Maybe now is a good time to get together and destroy all of the men.
37. Except Sam. Sam is so cute.
38. SAM WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?
39. Focus! It's time for operation-subtly-get-a-pad-from-your-colleague-without -alerting-any-of-the-men.
40. Just saunter over and act like you need help with the report.
41. Ok, Jill, no need to act like a weirdo mate, just quickly slide the pad into my hand.
42. That's it Jill, just like a really slick drug deal.
43. Aaaand we're in possession of the goods!
44. Wait a minute, Kotex?
45. Come on Jill, who buys this shit?
46. That will teach me never to forget pads again.
47. I'll always be Always.
49. Why are you like this?
50. This is why you are single.
51. Oh god now I'm crying in the loos about absolutely nothing.
52. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THERE NOT BEING ANY CAKE TODAY.
53. BUT I WILL EAT TWO LUNCHES.
54. I feel so bloated in these work clothes, I just want to be in my PJs.
55. I wonder if this is what being pregnant feels like?
56. Even though this is like, the opposite of being pregnant.
57. I need drugs.
58. And some cookies.
59. Great, Bill saw me take two ibuprofen and eat an entire packet of cookies and now thinks I am hungover.
60. Very unprofessional, am I, Bill?
61. WELL SUCK MY DICK, BILL!
62. THE DICK I WISH I HAD BILL BECAUSE HAVING A VAGINA IS THE WORST.
63. Joke, penises are weirrrdd.
64. Oh thank god it's time to go home I'm going insane here.
65. I cannot wait to eat seven bars of chocolate and spoon my hot water bottle.
66. Oh hey, Jill, are you going home to eat seven bars of chocolate and spoon your hot water bottle too?
70. No Jill.
71. This isn't right.
72. You're doing it all wrong.
73. Oh hey Debra you fucking traitor.
74. Ask her about the cake she didn't make.
75. Oh her son was ill this morning.
76. Well now I feel like a right dick.
77. Maybe I'll bring in cake tomorrow.
78. At least then I can safely save half of it for myself.
79. Why are you like this?