71 Thoughts You Have When Everyone Is Talking Politics And You Don't Know Shit

    What's my opinion? Quick, say something generic!

    1. Ahh this is nice, just some good friends drinking wine, having a laugh!

    2. No, Brian, do not make a joke about Jeremy Corbyn.

    3. This is a lighthearted conversation about DILFs. I won't have you ruin it with your politics chat!

    4. Oh no, someone's just mentioned Brexit.

    5. It's begun.

    6. This is unfair on me. I am, like, actually really smart but now I can't contribute to the conversation without looking like a right idiot.

    7. Left this, right that. I've never been good with directions.

    8. Besides, I only read the "Guilty Pleasures" section of the Metro anyway.

    9. Do they know Adele has confirmed she is married?

    10. Come on, guys, let's talk about Adele!

    11. Name three albums, I bet you guys can't!

    12. And they think I'm dumb.

    13. Sorry? What's my opinion?

    14. On what? I switched off from this conversation a long time ago, mate.

    15. About the NHS crisis?

    16. Quick, say something generic!

    17. It's all bollocks really, isn't it?

    18. What specifically? Uhm... Just you know, politics in general.

    19. Good, that was good.

    20. That's the one thing you can guarantee with these kinds of conversations: No one will ever argue with you if you just say it's all shit.

    21. Now they're talking about Trump.

    22. OK, you've got this. What are some key talking points? Wall, bad hair, people hating him, small hands.

    23. His hands are really small.

    24. I mean, I don't think they would even cover my areolas.

    25. That's an opinion, isn't it? Quick, give them your opinion! Tell them about your areolas!

    26. Oh great, Jess has already made a joke about his hands.

    27. Fair play to her though, she needed that. She doesn't know anything about politics either.

    28. Jess is still talking. Get us out of this, Jess! Change the subject!

    29. That documentary about cow farts! The rising cost of bananas! NatWest online banking!

    30. Wait, why is she is talking about Ed Miliband?

    31. And why is she using fancy words like she knows stuff?

    32. You don't know stuff, Jess!

    33. I wonder if Ed Miliband is considered a DILF?

    34. Concentrate! You're being betrayed!

    35. She has been learning politics behind your back!

    36. Now you really need to step up your game. You're on your own now.

    37. Note to self: Buy The Economist.

    38. Other note to self: Actually read it and don't just place it on the coffee table for when people come round.

    39. I wish someone would just, like, make politics fun.

    40. You know, make a funky song like the one I used to listen to when I was young, the one about the times tables.

    41. One times two is two, da da, two times two is four, da da.

    42. Absolute tune.

    43. Twenty-nine years old and I still know my two times table, so you know it works.

    44. Everyone has noticed how quiet I'm being. I need to do something fast.

    45. Brian's giving some sort of speech. Maybe just nod thoughtfully so it looks like you're just contemplating all of these important issues.

    46. Well said, Brian! Bravo! Your argument is very complex but executed perfectly!

    47. So perfectly, in fact, that I have nothing to add! Absolutely nothing! Zero! Zilch!

    48. Why does everyone look appalled?

    49. What did Brian actually say?

    50. OK, this is exactly why you need to start learning about this shit so you don't end up accidentally agreeing with a fascist.

    51. What is a fascist anyway?

    52. I wish it were the 1950s. Back then it was rude to talk about politics at the table.

    53. But then I'd probably be in the fucking kitchen talking about fabric softener.

    54. "Smell my apron, Doris! I'm using this new lavender softener. Isn't it just divine?!"

    55. Then I'd sob violently in the pantry because secretly I hate the smell of lavender but I know Doris likes it and I have nothing else to say to her.

    56. OK, there's a lull in the conversation. Quickly change the subject!

    57. No, Jess. Why are you talking about Lebanon?

    58. This is the other guarantee about these conversations: They never fucking end.

    59. Wait a minute! You know something about Lebanon! What is it?

    60. Hazem Shareef won the third season of Arab Idol, which is filmed in Beirut, Lebanon.

    61. NO! NOT THAT!

    62. It was something about their militia or something, you read it over some guy's shoulder on the tube. Think!

    63. Got it! Now say it quickly and open it out to everyone so someone else takes over.

    64. Oh no, they are all looking at me funny. What did I say?

    65. Oh my god, did I say "militia" wrong??

    66. I fucking hate that word. How are you supposed to know how to say that word?!

    67. Everyone's now tired of talking about politics apparently. Great.

    68. Wow, guys, you wouldn't even let me say my piece that I couldn't even remember properly and is probably completely wrong, but fine.

    69. That's cool, get out Cards Against Humanity, see if I care.

    70. Yes I did hear about Adele, Jess.

    71. I also heard you were a fucking snake, Jess.