1. Right, just going to do a bit of shopping.
2. Flagship Topshop, you are the only reason I am here.
3. Maybe it won't be as busy as it normally is.
4. Maybe pigs will actually fly someday.
5. Fuck, there are so many people here.
6. Argh, that bloody waffle stand.
7. God I want a waffle.
8. THAT. SMELL. WHYYY.
9. Need to cross over to meet Jane at Topshop.
10. I don't understand this crossing system.
11. You can walk from one end to another diagonally.
12. Feels wrong.
13. Feel so exposed.
14. Quick, run back before I die.
15. SHIT, AM I GOING TO DIE?
16. Neither man nor child know what the fuck is going on here.
17. Or the buses and bloody rickshaw drivers.
18. Dangerous place, Oxford Street.
19. People have been trampled by the masses of confused, slow-walking tourists here for sure.
20. And by people on their way to Primark to buy new clothes because they can't be bothered to wash the ones they already have.
21. Why do people stop in the middle of the pavement when they are lost?
22. BE LOST ON ONE SIDE OF THE PAVEMENT.
23. Just look at them, chatting without a care in the world while I try to manoeuvre around them carefully like I'm in some sort of fucking spy film.
24. You have to be a bloody ninja around here if you want to get anything done.
25. It just so happens though, that I am one.
26. YOU CAN'T STOP ME tourist-dad-with-bumbag.
27. DON'T MIND ME group-of-Spanish-kids-blocking-the-entrance-to-Mango-like-you-own -it-even-though-you-probably-do.
28. EXCUSE ME WHILE I SHOVE YOU OUT THE WAY slow-walking-couple-who-don't-realise-Oxford-Street is-not-the-place-for-a-romantic-stroll.
29. If everyone just understood proper London etiquette it would save a lot of people from stabbing themselves in the eyes.
30. There are only two types of people here: miserable gits or the absolutely clueless.
31. Although the Hare Krishnas are on another level, they literally give zero fucks.
32. And the man outside the tube station who wants everyone to find Jesus.
33. I guess this place is ungodly.
34. WE ALL NEED SAVING.
35. The whole world is waiting outside Topshop, must be everyone's meeting place.
36. God knows you can't wait by the waffle stand.
37. Because then your mate will turn up and you'll be all like "Oh hey, bought us some waffles but I ate mine and then I ate yours after".
38. And you will never be friends again.
39. There's Jane.
40. She looks like she was happy once.
41. Someone's just barged right into her.
42. She is absolutely not fazed.
43. Oxford Street will do that to you.
44. Hardens you, I always say.
45. Jane wants to go to Primark.
46. This is where I leave you Jane.
47. Good seeing you for all of 50 seconds Jane.
48. Just going to buy myself something I don't need as a treat for this already hideous day.
49. Then I'm going home, only so much time you can stand in this place before you have a breakdown and start calling everyone a cunt.
50. Although really can't face the thought of the station.
51. It's like a painfully slow march towards your own death.
52. Why is this horrendous queue into the station a photo op?
53. DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH OUR PAIN.
54. Just photobombed some guy's selfie with my thoroughly disgusted face.
55. Oxford Street really is the worst thing about London.
56. Well, except maybe Leicester Square.
57. If Oxford Street gets an M&M's store that is IT London, I'm giving up on you.