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21 Hilarious Tweets About Life That Are Way, Way Too Real

"I don't know who I am but I need to know how many calories are in this".

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1.

[looking up at the stars] me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it? dad: it should, you haven't done shit with your life

2.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

3.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

4.

Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

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5.

I'm doing life just like everyone else, 1 screw up after another and a trash can full of empty wine bottles

6.

*Wipes phone on boob* -Blocks 5 people -Unfollows 3 -Sends 2 randoms nudes -Orders a pizza -Texts 'I miss you' to the ex

7.

You may have just gotten engaged but I just put a fleece onesie on straight from the dryer

8.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

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9.

They say "you snooze, you lose," which means I start every morning failing multiple times in 9-minute intervals.

10.

*Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising

11.

I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

12.

DATE: so are u democrat or republican ME: why don't we save that convo for later haha [googling under the table "what is demmacrat"]

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13.

How to adult: At work? Want to go home. At home? Want to do something. Doing something? Want to be in bed. In bed? Don't sleep.

14.

*cooking* recipe: one cup white wine *looks at bottle of wine I'm drinking* *googles "substitute for white wine"*

15.

I want to die as I lived, so at my funeral make everyone wait for me & then send them a text that says “Heyyy probably just gonna stay home”

16.

*cat puts dead mouse in front of me* cats are weird. why do u have to show me ur food befor u eat it *goes to restaurant & instagrams meal*

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17.

It's all good. Me, at wine tastings.

18.

Friend: u around this weekend Me: yep F: to help me move M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

19.

I don't know who I am but I need to know how many calories are in this

20.

Boss: mike Boss: Mike Boss: Mike Ginn Me: whaaa sorry was just... doing an email

21.

MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead* MUGGER: ??? ME: I'm thinking.