1.
The fire alarm's gone off at Westfield Stratford and these girls have walked out of Nando's with their plates. Prio… https://t.co/FRiB6nVoQg
2.
Just saw a baby eating a crossiant and for a second I was so jealous I could SHAKE WITH RAGE and then I remembered I am 31 and can buy one
3.
Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like "we should pregame this food w more food" and I think that's really beautiful
4.
When you take her to a nice restaurant for valentines day but she used to orange fanta, pizza and hot wings.
5.
COP: any reason you were swerving back there? ME: I dropped a curly fry on the floor COP: and you had to- ME: I had to get it
6.
I'm currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
7.
I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE & FURIOUS ANGER THOSE WHO- "Here's your McFlurry, sir. Sorry for the wait" OH THAnk you
8.
I stay strapped
9.
[Stares deeply into date's eyes before going to the bathroom] "I've counted these fries."
10.
a girl at this yoga studio just took a cupcake out of her locker took a bite of it and put it back in
11.
I ate fun dip with my fingers last night and I'm stained and Grammys are tomorrow. I've tried everything please help
12.
listen. i fuckin--look at me--i fu--LOOK AT ME IN MY EYES--i fucking love coconut
13.
[drive thru] McDonald's employee: Have a good night me: I love you too
14.
Someone left his phone at my friend's work.
15.
16.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception* *taps on mic; everyone smiles* "Anyone that doesn't want their cake, pass it to me please"
17.
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you’re not going to share ME: I am not going to share
18.
Parmesan Sir? "Yes please" Say when. *Grates Parmesan* Sir? "..." *Grates fingers* SIR? "..." *Grates entire hand* Please...I have a family.
19.
20.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat] Oh dang [grabs chip] Hold still [cat starts running away] I SAID HOLD STILL
21.
When Dominos said they'd be 45 minutes but it's been 50.