1. There's always one person in the office who is way too enthusiastic about Christmas far too early.
2. The same person who starts playing Christmas songs in November and talking about how they've already bought their Christmas presents online.
3. Then there are the scrooges of the office, who will be intent on killing the Christmas Spirit by reminding everyone that they work in a professional environment and that tinsel-covered screens should be banned.
4. The majority will lie somewhere in between, mostly excited about doing progressively less work and taking progressively longer booze-fuelled lunches.
5. At some point, someone will suggest doing a Secret Santa.
6. Everyone will hate this idea but do it anyway for fear of looking like a bunch of miserable twats.
7. At the Secret Santa draw you will absolutely get the one person you didn't want to get, the person who you barely know, like Darren who works in IT or something.
8. And so, wisely, you will buy Darren from IT or something a bottle of wine, spending just a bit more than your allocated £5 budget.
9. The person who gets you will be Mildred from accounts, who will gift you something she clearly bought at the pound store, like an LED lamp shaped like a snowman.
10. You will hate Mildred for the rest of eternity.
11. The first time someone brings mince pies into the office it will feel special.
12. And even though mince pies will continue to appear in the office kitchen every week until people start to resent them, they will still say, "Oh I love mince pies! Can't believe I used to hate mince pies! I used to think they were actual mincemeat ha ha!"
13. Because of all of the Christmas treats, everyone who had been attempting to eat healthily will complain bitterly about all of the temptation.
14. Before giving in completely and saying, "Fuck it, I might as well start in January."
15. Over the month, the office will periodically be half-empty due to everyone taking their remaining holiday days.
16. And there will be several cycles of flu making its way around, also killing off staff.
17. Every afternoon there'll be someone showing off their lunchtime Christmas shopping to colleagues, hoping for the "omg you're so organised!!" reaction.
18. The details of the Christmas party will be revealed early in the month and everyone will be simultaneously excited and disappointed.
19. Because a roast dinner with your colleagues seems a little crap, but the idea of getting pissed from 1pm on a workday is still pretty fucking great.
20. At this point, BFFs across the office will be scheming on how to approach work crushes and placing bets on who will do something embarrassing or scandalous.
21. And everyone will ask the organiser of the Christmas party a billion questions about dress code, budget, and location.
22. People will panic about how early the bar tab will run out.
23. It will run out very early.
24. Smart people will be befriend the drunk CEO while they are at the bar, knowing very well they're gonna get the round in.
25. And in every corner of the room there'll be clusters of whispering and giggling colleagues.
26. Almost certainly there'll be two colleagues making out in front of everyone.
27. But nothing is more guaranteed then the embarrassing dancing of the CEO.
28. The next day everyone will be late and barely able to speak, because after New Year's Day, the day after the Christmas party is the second-worst hangover of the year.
29. At lunchtime everyone will take a two-hour trip to...you guessed it, the pub.
30. Where all of the gossip from the night before will be shared, including Mildred cheating on her husband with Darren from IT or something.
31. Production level in the office will go down exactly 79% in the days between the Christmas party and Christmas Eve.
32. To the point where even senior management can't even be arsed any more and send everyone home early.