21 Tweets About Marriage That Are Funny Because They Are True

"Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough."

Posted on

1.

Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.

2.

ME: woud u be open to adoption? HUSBAND: yes [later, at the adoption agency] ME: yes hi, i'd like to put my husband up for adoption

3.

[crawls out of burning house] "SIR, IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE INSIDE?" [flash backs of wife making me watch Big Bang Theory] "No."

5.

My husband doesn't seem to realize I'm mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I'm not mad at him

6.

Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress. Me. Sure *Snip* There you go. Wife. Thanks. Me. No problem. *Kicks pony tail under bed.

7.

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife* Hello Karen. Maybe you'd like to tell me who used all my essential oils

8.

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked? me: Yep wife: What temperature? me: 534 wife: That's the clock me wife me: 535

9.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

10.

Me, "I need to get in shape." Hubs, "What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?" Me, "Shape, not Shake." Hubs, "So...." Me, "Chocolate."

11.

Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion? Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?

12.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU. Me: Wonderful? H: M: Charming? H: M: Light of your life? H: [leaves room] Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

13.

wife: Let's fool around after the kids go to bed narrator: But they never did fool around

14.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch? Husband: 4: 7: Me: Well... 7: It really could have been any of us. 4: (licks couch)

16.

Sometimes I say "you're welcommmme" to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

17.

Marriage is where your sexual fantasies go to die.

18.

50 Shades of Grey, the married-with-kids version: Attempting to sort 50 white (now grey) socks in laundry basket while husband snores.

19.

*at Costco* Him: That's a really good deal. Me: We don't eat that. Him: *puts it in cart anyway* This is marriage.

20.

me[holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer? wife:What does it say on the tag? me:Gap wife:The other tag me:Oh wife me:Made in Vietnam

21.

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.