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18 Hilarious Stories That Prove Twitter Is Pure Gold

If you're in need of a good chuckle – these are for you.

1.

last night i ordered a vanilla iced coffee at tim hortons and the guy handed it to me and said “is that good? i can add more vanilla if you need me to. just let me know and i will” and now i think he’s the only person that cares about me

2.

I did a blood test to see how allergic I am to tree nuts and it came back and said I wasn’t allergic to them anymore. Today I went into the allergist and tried a cashew for the first time!! Long story short, I’m still allergic and I almost died. They called me a “rare case” 🙃

3.

I was just in an uber pool with a couple going to their WEDDING and they had the audacity to be mad at ME for joining the pool even though they chose UBER POOL on their WEDDING DAY

4.

I took an uber alone at 2am and when I got out my uber driver was like “have fun, get that dick!” and I said “hell yes thank you!!” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was being dropped at my moms house cause we have to wake up early to celebrate my dogs birthday

5.

This little girl in the restaurant, maybe five, tugs on her dads jacket & complains about being cold & he says “Well damn, Jackie, I can’t control the weather”.. His wife hit him & said “For the last time, we didn’t name her that so you could reference That 70’s Show” 😂😂

6.

dude at pacsun asked for my number while i was cashing out and i was like oh sorry i'm not really interested hahah and this man looks at me and goes "i meant for the rewards program..." why am i the dumbest human being alive

7.

So I posted a picture of me wearing my brothers shirt today and he texted me asking if I was wearing his shirt and my response was “i dont know, it was in my laundry”. Not even 5 minutes later I received this picture.... https://t.co/k9ssIHX4f4

8.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

9.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “.....where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

10.

In 8th grade we had to turn in a weekly journal and the day after I turned in one about the kid I had a crush on in class my teacher redid the seating chart and put us next to each other real wing woman work

11.

today I got an email confirming a domino's order I didn't make bc someone HACKED my account to use my points to get a free pizza so I called the store and the guy literally took it out of the oven, threw it away, and told me he'd tell whoever came for it to fuck off

12.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it's spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like "haha LINGERIE? it's *lauwnzhoureigh" and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don't just make up sounds when i see letters.

13.

Worked with a Hispanic patient named Biryani and I asked her mom why she named her that and she said when she was pregnant her Muslim neighbors would always give them biryani and she loved it sm she named her daughter that Same

14.

So I’m at a restaurant and just got hit in the back of the head with a straw wrapper. I turned around and immediately a 65+ yr old lady started apologizing saying she was aiming for her husband. Then they both started giggling. If that’s not me when I’m older idk.

15.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

16.

last night at work I was bartending and this girl asked me to stop flirting with her boyfriend and I looked her dead in the eye and said “I don’t want your man I just want his money” and this chick stares back and just says “same” DEAD LMAO

17.

Yesterday I stopped to pet a dog, and as the owner walked away I heard him say to her, "You see? Everybody loves you! And you don't even love yourself!!!" and I'm going to be thinking about it for the next five years

18.

saw £20 lying on the floor beside my foot in edinbrugh, picked it up and gave it to a guy holding a charity box....walked away all chuffed with myself only now to realise it was mine and it had fallen out my pocket 🙂🙂🙂hate maself now

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